Adult Colouring Books
Have you noticed that there is a sudden profusion of ‘adult colouring books’ everywhere. In Sainsbury’s there is a whole section of the things, Amazon is full of them, even Waterstones is getting in on the act. Apparently there might soon be a shortage of coloured pencils, as grown adults spend their days colouring.
You might think that the ‘adult’ part of ‘adult colouring books’ means that it’s pornographic; that the books are full of pictures of people getting all German with each other, or getting rogered by robots and monsters, which would be bad enough, but no; it really is pwitty pictures of butterflies and flowers. What the fuck is wrong with people.
‘Sorry Boss, I can’t work late tonight, I promised Teddy I’d watch Blue Peter with him.’
Apparently adult colouring reduces stress and promotes mindfulness, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. Some American psychologist claims it reduced her blood pressure and her doctors were mystified; for fuck’s sake, you’re supposed to be an adult; get drunk, have a wank, go out and drive really fast, just stay away from fucking colouring books, and grow the fuck up.
‘Sorry, I’d love to come to dinner, but I’m going to stay in and play with My Little Pony’s magic castle instead.
I expect that there will soon be a shortage of chalk, as welders everywhere stop using it to mark out metal, and instead spend their time drawing pictures of puppydogs and flowers on bits of steel.
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The foreman comes over to inspect the work:
‘Oi, Dave, have you done any fucking work today?’
‘I drawed a picture; that’s my house, and that’s my mummy, and that’s a doggy doing a poopoo.’
‘You’re fucking fired Dave, now fuck off.’
‘That’s not fair, I wanna go plop-plops in the potty.’
If you get really good at adult colouring books, perhaps you will be able to progress to crayons. Just promise not to eat them. Maybe your boss will let you do finger painting in your lunch hour.
‘And what makes you think you’re suited to a career as an accountant?’
‘I made a Play Doh willy for Ken and stuck it on Barbie instead. Then I done a weewee in my nappy.’
‘Hey, everybody come back to my place after the pub.’
‘Yeah cool, have you got some beers in?’
‘No, but I got some Plasticene, we could make Plasticene animals and play with Lego.’
St Austell Dogging Association are sad to announce that they are closing down. In a statement issued to the West Briton, they said that their members have gone off the idea of splooging over each others windscreens, and are all staying home with their adult colouring books instead.
‘Wake up darling, time to go to work’
‘Boohoo, I’m not going to work today, boohoo’
But darling, you’ve got to go to work, you’re the prime minister of Belgium.’
‘Boohoo, I done big jobs in my jim-jams, I want to stay home and do colouring books, pleeeeease.’
Fucking self indulgent mental masturbation, you bunch of nappy wearing, navel gazing, nancy paddling bedwetters. Man the fuck up.
