Afraid to Surrender (A Chronic Illness POV)
I have read over and over about how our nervous systems recognize patterns and no amount of logic is going to reset the system to make us feel safe. That is not how our bodies were made. Our bodies were made to protect us from perceived harm.
So, day in and day out you are turning to God. You pray again and again that your body stops hurting, that your energy comes back, that you can function for one day with your family and friends. You pray for life to be back to normal. You feel like maybe you haven’t been doing enough. You haven’t been praying enough, believing hard enough, surrendering enough.
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But of course you struggle to surrender. Your past is evidence of everything you have walked through. Your body hasn’t become guarded for no reason. Your mind hasn’t learned to brace itself for nothing. The trust that you gave once lead to heartbreak. The prayers sometimes end in silence. The hoping has began to lead to disappointment. So even if the mind tries to push through, the body remembers.
Bodies don’t forget pain just because our faith tells us to “trust.” At the end of the day, after living through things that push your limits, control feels safer than surrender.
But know this. That isn’t weak faith. That is a nervous system trying to protect you from a repeating pattern.
God sees your past and He doesn’t demand surrender from a nervous system that still feels unsafe. So maybe the next step isn’t to keep pushing and trying harder. Maybe the net step is to allow God to meet the part of you that is afraid of letting go and being vulnerable.
