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Stop Telling People to Avoid “The Spark” in Dating
Here’s why “the spark” isn’t bad, and what we should be considering instead
Relationship coaches and therapists have adopted a habit of telling people to not bother looking for the spark, or that the spark is bullsh*it “80% of the time.”
Psychotherapist Logan Ury and author of How Not to Die Alone has even gone so far as to urge people to “f*ck the spark.”
And it’s easy to understand why: that flare of initial excitement we feel for someone is a first impression based on extremely incomplete data. Of course it’s not enough to build a relationship on.
But does that mean we should discount it or invest in relationships where we don’t feel a spark?
Not necessarily. Here are four myths about the spark, why they don’t hold up, and questions we should be asking ourselves instead.
Myth: the spark indicates risk and danger
Reality: Maybe, but that’s because caring is always risky and dangerous.
The spark is an up-front sign that you could care for this person, and the reality is that caring is dangerous. If you care, you get invested. If you get invested, there is risk. Risk does put you in danger. Does it mean…
