I am Religious, But Feeling Betrayed by Christianity
I have been a religious person all my life. I also have been highly curious about other religions and why people believe as they do, or don’t.
Part of my background was being raised in a pretty liberal Southern Baptist home (my family’s church had split from a more conservative Baptist church — we were the liberal branch).
When I was a teen, I devoured everything I could read about religion, because I was dissatisfied with the faith I grew up in. I felt it was shallow and there just had to be more.
I met Catholic friends once we moved off the farm when I was 10, and moved into town. We had a Catholic family next to me, and I was quite curious about them. Plus later, down the street I met a good friend who was also Catholic.
As a curious teen, I studied both Catholicism and Judaism, side by side. I was intrigued by both. I was very taken by Judaism and plus with books, etc coming out about the Holocaust (Shoah) in my early teens, I felt a deep empathy towards the Jewish people who had been so targeted with genocide. (That actually really disgusted me).
I might have converted to Judaism, but at the time in my small Missouri hometown, we had almost no Jewish people, and no Rabbi, no synagogue, so no real way for me to pursue Judaism.
Finally I settled on Catholicism.
I asked for permission to study to be Catholic, and did that without telling my parents. My Dad was violently anti-Catholic but my mother was a lot more open. My father was suffering with cancer badly, and would then pass away when I was 16 years old. I just didn’t want to upset him or have conflict or confrontation that anybody would regret since he was far advanced into his illness, by that time.
I was very surprised that the Priest of the Catholic church in my town, allowed me to study privately. Once I decided to join, however, if I wasn’t yet 18, I had to get parental permission (which I did later).
I listened to all my religious upbringing. Some things made sense, but as I grew and challenged a few things, some things really did not. I began my own study by going to the library, and thought very deeply about what faith meant and what it was about.
I joined the Catholic church the year after my father died. I was 17 years old, and yes, my Mom gave me permission.
I had been not only studying Catholicism, but I had been playing for 3 years by that time, in a guitar group which played at every other mass on Sunday.
I always thought it was the best religious training in the world, to be up front in the church, providing worship music, but being able to observe all the people. Overall, I was quite impressed with what I observed.
Catholicism struck me as being very reverent, devout and deep. That was something I was looking for. I always have and did like the use of “sacramentals” which, for example, are holy water, candles, statues, incense and all the “extras” used to promote contemplation and devotion.
I am a very sensory person, being a musician and artist too in my spare time, so those types of rituals and things always spoke to me a lot, and deepened my prayer and faith.
My Catholic church I joined was quite welcoming and encouraging to me. If it had not been, I can tell you I would have never had any interest in them at all.
But for the first several years as a Catholic, things went rather well, and I was a happy and devout Catholic.
At some point, I tried to join a convent. I was very comfortable at first, but in time became conflicted about it, and dropped out.
This caused me to fall out of favor with my parish, and probably is the catalyst for later dissatisfaction. That was the first nail in my coffin of Catholic dissatisfaction (strike 1).
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I stayed within the framework of Catholicism a long time. However, I married outside the legal framework of the Church, and this caused sacramental and judgmental issues — yet another nail in the coffin of Catholic dissatisfaction (strike 2).
Not only that, but then the sex scandals burst out loudly on the airwaves, and I was shocked and incensed. I really felt betrayed, and that was honestly very hard to reconcile, and I never did reconcile it — Strike #3, and the 3rd nail in my coffin of Catholic dissatisfaction.
I bounced back and forth into Protestant denominations for a while, but eventually I began to think back on my study of Judaism. I decided maybe I had joined the wrong faith, back when I was a teen.
So I spent a few years in the Jewish world. I have absolutely no regrets, even though I was seriously bullied for doing it. I even lost my very much loved Teaching career because a Principal bullied me over it. That actually made my life spin out of control.
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In Colorado, I also examined Islam. There were many things I liked about it too, and there still are. Islam honestly does have my heart a little, even though recently I dared to venture back to Christianity a bit.
However….I feel very very betrayed by Christianity. While I am glad some pastors, churches, etc have treated me with dignity and respect, I feel overall churches are abandoning the poor.
I am even more upset that they are also using their abandonment of the poor, to push the poor into things that are not ok and good for them too.
I highly resent that.
I feel a lot of deep-seated anger that I really can’t find a Christian group that I like or feel at home with. Plus, if I need help and Christians won’t help me even if I ask them desperately, then how can I sit and worship with those who have denied me the help I needed?
Really, I cannot.
There are so many serious injustices in this horrible world right now. Don’t you wonder if the people who hurt those struggling will ever have “karma” or “get theirs” for the pain and suffering they cause?
I wonder about that.
Is God actually just? I have always thought so. If so, why can't he take care of people who have abandoned the poor? I can’t believe He smiles upon that.
I’m not God of course, and I don’t know all the answers. I just know that I carry a wounded heart, and a lot of anger over Christian betrayal. I doubt I’ll ever go back to a church that could have helped me — but refused.
You always really remember those who are there for you in your darkest hour. Conversely, you also really remember who was NOT there for you in your darkest hour. Since we remember the bad over the good, many times, I don’t think I will ever forget or forgive the Christian betrayers in my life.
To be fair, not all Christians are abandoners (at least not to me). Many are, though. Those who show kindness and mercy to me, I always remember in my prayers. Those who don’t — well, I ask God to deliver justice to them.
No matter what religion I choose, it is God who loves me and is with me. I am 100% convinced people don’t get me at all, and will never be faithful to me. God is faithful — that I do know because I have experienced it.
So….what religion do I choose? The jury is still out a little. Right now the stress in my life without an adequate job is horrible.
But I am very, very shaky at best with Christianity.
Of course, Jesus never meant for his followers to abandon the poor. That is not what Jesus taught or wanted his followers to do.
It’s not Jesus fault people are cruel jerks. It is how our society is right now. Not even what Jesus taught, matters to the very people who profess to follow him.
I will likely choose a religion I do NOT feel betrayed by — wouldn’t you?
