Bloom
Bloom and shine
It was a sunny afternoon. I had just taken my mom to a studio for her pre-retirement pictures, which she was initially against. I was happy to drag her there, accompanied by my friend and makeup artist, Namnam. I had also taken my birthday pictures, which I eventually didn’t use. My birthday dress was wine-coloured, and it was sitting underneath the pretty lace I got from my mom’s wardrobe.
I didn’t plan on taking pictures in her lace, but as she changed from one lace to another and tied different geles, I had the nudge to wear one of her outfits, just for the fun of it. I liked the colour on me, too. I told the gele artiste to do his work, and boom! I looked like the young, rich aunty on the block. I was proud of the entire look, so I decided to take some pictures, which ended up becoming my birthday pictures.
Looking at this picture particularly, I see parts of my parents in me. The facial features, I can tell who I got what from. Most importantly, I can tell who I am.
I’ve battled imposter syndrome for a while now. I think I’m not good enough, yet I pass exams, achieve milestones and succeed at things I had nobody to put me through. Yet, I feel like I didn’t achieve them, or I didn’t do them, or perhaps it was a mistake. Maybe they pitied me enough to be gracious to me. And I’m talking about strangers, lol. The buts are never-ending.
So, seeing myself and being able to tell who I am, even if I’m still a work in progress, warms my heart. I see myself, I know myself, and I am working towards myself.
I’ve battled self-love for a long-ass time, not necessarily out of low self-esteem, but perhaps because I didn’t know how to give myself the love I needed. I’ve sought love in almost questionable people. I thought I could love myself more by seeing myself through the lens of others. However, that’s sham! It’s impossible.
I’ve found love in learning some things all over again. In enjoying praying to God all over again. Devotionals don’t seem boring anymore. I enjoy reading novels differently. I enjoy and love shopping for things. I love life all over again.
Get The Queen-Anita’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
I am an empath, but I also now understand boundaries better, especially when it comes to setting boundaries around my personal life. I have avoided myself desperately for a long, long time. I avoided my feelings, my wants and my needs. I simply tucked them away as though they didn’t matter.
Now, I know better.
I love me. I’m learning about me. I love the woman who likes to excel at what she does, the ambitious, career- and money-driven young lady I’m focused on becoming. No pressure, no deadline.It’s beautiful to see how well you can flourish when you’re open to rediscovering yourself.
But most of all, I forgave myself. For the past, the clinginess to irrelevance, the avoidance I’ve carried, the imposter syndrome I’ve dealt with, and the habit of booing myself off the stage before getting the opportunity to shine. I’ve forgiven myself for the wrongs I’ve committed against me.
I’m healing, loving and learning.
It’s so beautiful that one scroll led me to this picture, and I came up with something so raw.
What have you learnt about yourself this year? What actions have you taken to better align yourself with who you’d rather be?
Feel free to share, internalise and work on yourself.
Till I find another inspiration,
Ciao, Amor.
