What The Metamorphosis Made Me Question About Being Useful
I finally finished The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka. This book has been sitting on my wishlist for quite a long time. Then out of nowhere someone I know sold her collection of books and I got this book. Before reading this book, firstly I had heard about Gregor Samsa and the strange transformation that happens to him, but I never really knew what the story would make me feel. Now that I have finished it, I think what stays with me is not the transformation itself, but the loneliness. And also about the uncomfortable realization that sometimes, people may love us differently when we are no longer useful to them.
On the first page of this book, Gregor’s story is strange on the surface for me. One morning, he wakes up and discovers that he has transformed into a huge insect (but i still don’t know, he is really transformed to be an insect or not). There is no long explanation for why it happened, it simply happens. And somehow, I think that makes the story even more disturbing because Gregor’s transformation feels almost like a metaphor for what happens when a person suddenly loses the role that everyone depends on them to play.
Before the transformation, Gregor is the person who provides for his family. He works hard as a salesman, even though he doesn’t seem to enjoy his job. He wakes up early, travels constantly, and spends most of his time working because his family has debts that need to be paid. He doesn’t seem to have much of a life that belongs to himself because all of his family depends on him and because he is able to provide for them, he becomes important for them.
He is responsible, hardworking, the one who carries the financial burden of the family. And I think, in some ways, Gregor has already lost himself long before he transforms. He has spent so much of his life fulfilling his responsibility that he barely has space to ask himself what he wants. He works, provides, and sacrifices because he has to.
Then one morning, everything changes. He can no longer work, leave the house, earn money, and no longer be the person his family depends on. As we know, suddenly, the way his family sees him begins to change. This was probably the most painful part of the book for me.
Because for me Gregor is still Gregor. I know that his body has changed, but inside, he still has thoughts, feelings, memories, and concern for his family. He still worries about them, thinks about their future, still cares, but his family can no longer see that.
All they can see is what he has become. And slowly, he becomes a burden. A problem. Something unpleasant that they would rather not look at.
At some point while reading, I found myself thinking: Was Gregor loved because he was Gregor, or because he was useful?
And honestly, that question made me uncomfortable. Because I think most of us want to believe that the people who love us will love us regardless of what we can give them. I want to believe that if one day I am no longer productive, successful, attractive, energetic, or capable, I will still be treated with the same tenderness.
But life doesn’t always feel that simple.
Sometimes we are appreciated because we are helpful.
Sometimes we are praised because we are successful.
Sometimes people are proud of us because of what we accomplish.
Sometimes even our identity slowly becomes connected to what we can do for other people.
And I wonder what happens when all of that disappears.
Who am I when I am no longer productive?
Who am I when I can’t help anyone?
Who am I when I am tired?
Who am I when I fail?
Who am I when I don’t have anything impressive to show?
Would I still feel worthy?
Would the people around me still see my value?
These questions are probably much bigger than Kafka’s story itself.
What made the book stay with me because I think that Gregor’s transformation is so extreme, but the feeling behind it is strangely familiar. There are people who spend their entire lives being strong, responsible, successful, and the one everyone can depend on. But sometimes, without realizing it, they become afraid of what will happen if they stop being that person.
Maybe I understand this a little too well. I think there have been times when I measured my own worth through what I was accomplishing.
When I felt good about myself because I was productive.
When I felt guilty for resting.
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When I thought I needed to constantly improve myself to feel like I was moving forward.
Sometimes I wonder whether I genuinely wanted all those things or whether I simply wanted to feel valuable. There is a subtle difference between I want to do this and I need to do this so I can feel like I am enough.
Maybe Gregor made me think about that difference. Because his tragedy isn’t only that he transforms into something that looks horrifying but that once he can no longer perform his old role, people slowly stop seeing him as a person. It makes me feel incredibly sad. I kept thinking about how easily someone’s identity can disappear when other people only see what they can receive from them.
A parent who is only valued because they provide.
A partner who is only appreciated when they are easy to live with.
A friend who is always expected to be emotionally available.
A person who is praised for being strong until the day they finally admit that they are tired.
Maybe we don’t always mean to do this to people.
Sometimes we simply get used to what they give us.
We get used to their kindness, presence, support, money, energy, and ability to solve problems. Then we get used to receiving those things, but we forget that there is a human being behind them. Someone who also gets tired, needs to be cared for, wants to be held instead of always being the one holding everything together.
This is what made Gregor’s story heartbreaking and cruelest for me. He spent his life carrying his family. But when he could no longer carry them, nobody seemed willing to carry him. I also couldn’t stop thinking about the way Gregor himself had accepted his role. Before his transformation, he doesn’t seem particularly concerned about whether his life is making him happy. His first thoughts are worries about work, being late, his employer, and also about his family’s debt. Even after something as impossible as transforming into an insect, his mind initially goes back to his responsibilities. And that made me ask myself:
How much of my life am I living because I genuinely want to, and how much because I feel responsible for being a certain version of myself?
I don’t think responsibility is a bad thing. I want to be someone people can depend on, take care of the people I love, work hard, and build something meaningful with my life.
But I don’t want my usefulness to become my entire identity. I don’t want to become someone who believes that resting makes me worthless. I don’t want to believe that I have to constantly achieve something to deserve love. And I don’t want the people I love to feel that way either.
Maybe this is what I took from The Metamorphosis. Not simply that people can be cruel. But we should be careful about the way we define someone’s value. Because a person is always more than what they can provide, their job, achievements, money, ability to take care of everyone else, and the version of themselves that is convenient for us.
Perhaps I should remind myself that
I am still worthy on the days when I accomplish nothing.
I am still worthy when I need help.
I am still worthy when I am tired.
I am still worthy when I fail.
I am still worthy when I don’t know what I am doing with my life.
I don’t want to spend my whole life trying to prove that I deserve to be loved by being useful.
I want to believe that I can simply exist and still be worthy of tenderness.
Maybe that is why Gregor’s story feels so sad to me. Because he spent his life trying to make sure everyone else could live. And when he could no longer do that, he was slowly treated as if his life no longer mattered. It makes me wonder how many people around us are quietly afraid of the same thing. How many people are exhausted from being the strong one? How many people are terrified that if they stop giving, they will stop being loved? And how many of us are unknowingly making people feel that their value depends on what they can do for us?
I finished this book feeling sad for Gregor. But I also finished it wanting to be more careful. More careful about how I see myself and the people I love. I want to remember that people are not machines built to constantly produce something for us. They are human beings that can get tired, change, fail, and also need help.
And sometimes, they simply need someone to look at them and say,
You don’t have to be useful today. You are still loved.
You can get The Metamorphosis book by Franz Kafka with this link below
https://link.amazon/B0fExPCoA english version
https://s.shopee.co.id/80D0sjx0kc bahasa indonesia
