Why I never get what i deserve?
I will always think about this. When I am 25, I know I will be somewhere in this world, crying and wondering why I was the unlucky one. Or, when I am 65, I know I will tell myself how heartbroken I am with life.
I study and work like a dog, day and night, just so I won’t disappoint my family. I told myself it was okay to fail because if I failed, I’d learn.
But I don’t want to learn anymore. I don’t want to be the one who is behind. I don’t want to be embarrassed by the things I experience in my life. I want to be a part of my dreams. I want to be enough.
They all say that if I wait, fail, and learn, I will get what I deserve one day. Why does that day never come? Why does it look like I won’t be able to see that day?
Especially when I think too much, I compare myself with everyone. She has an amazing life, a boyfriend, academic success, a perfect body, and everything. And look at me! I am in my room, crying over every little detail of my life. I also know I will never be like her.
Unfortunately, I won’t say things like, “Then I learned how unique and beautiful my life is,” blah blah! Because I didn’t learn anything. I still hate and overthink my life. Even when I succeed at something, it’s not a win. It’s something I shouldn’t feel proud of. And I’ve tried so many times to change myself. I always tell myself the grass is always greener on the other side, but I know that if I were there, I would still think the other side was better.
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It’s not only about being pessimistic; I also don’t believe in anything nice anymore. I studied for months for my exam, and I failed. I tried again, and I failed again. I had no hope, and I accepted my fate. And please don’t tell me I should’ve given it one more chance. If you saw how much time I spent studying, you would just say,
“You’re very unlucky!”
Sometimes, even being religious doesn’t help. I tell myself God knows better and loves me. But really? What will I get after all of this? Will I be someone my parents are proud of? Will I even be someone? Will I be someone who inspires others or is loved by everyone?
I am still young, and I wanna live, not survive. I wanna dream, hope, and be excited more.
Will God even let me do that?
.
.
Thank you for reading it means a lot to me. If you like or leave a comment i’d be very happy.
