Chastity: old fashioned or relevant in today’s culture?
I want to begin this by saying that I am not a theologian or expert on the Catholic faith. I’m just a practicing Catholic, asking questions and figuring out her own faith journey.
In today’s session with the youth group, the topic I had to cover with my small group was the sacrament of matrimony, which involved a discussion of chastity — so we talked about all things love, relationships, marriage, sex, and chastity.
I am a romantic and could talk about these topics for days. ❤️
There is so much more I would have to loved to discuss and share with the girls in my small group, so I wanted to spill my thoughts on here. Otherwise, I’ll go to bed with these thoughts swimming in my brain.
And this girl needs her beauty sleep.
I’m not even sure where to begin with this…
Growing up in Catholic schools, abstinence and chastity was the rehtoric.
“Don’t have sex before marriage.”
“Just practice abstinence so you don’t get pregnant as a teen.”
And I found that there were two directions people typically went in:
- Developing shame around sex
- Rebelling against the teachings altogether and treating sex causally
Sure, maybe some found a nice balance, but I fell in the former: having a lot of shame around sex and intimacy.
I never felt like sex was something I could talk about with friends in high school. Maybe that was a good thing, to be honest.
I also didn’t have an adult mentor to talk to that wouldn’t judge.
So I ended up talking to my mom, and I’m grateful I was able to go to her. I’m sure she was glad I went to her and trusted her enough to do so.
I do hope, though, that the girls in my small group see me as a trusted mentor — one they can come to with questions without judgement or shame. Someone they can seek council from.
And I wish we had more sessions to unpack this topic about marriage and chastity because I feel it’s an important one.
In short, the Catholic church teaches chastity — waiting until marriage before having sex.
It always felt so old-fashioned to me — something that people don’t do anymore. I never understood why it was important.
Growing up, my mom always told me to never regret my first time and that sex should be saved for someone special. I think I really took that to heart, and I’m glad she didn’t preach to me to wait until marriage. She allowed me to make my own decisions.
And while I can count the number of men I’ve been intimate with on one hand, I don’t regret any of them — whether it’s been within the confines of a relationship or not. I’ve been very intentional about who I’ve chosen to give my body to, and I’m proud of the fact that I can say I have no regrets.
But I do look forward to the day I find that person to grow with and do life with. Studies show that married couples have the most satisfying sex due to the fact they’re growing together. They know one another (and each other’s bodies) more than you do in a casual hook up. And there’s a certain intimacy about creating a life and family together. I want that one day, and I can’t wait to find him.
Which brings me to chastity — is it something too old fashioned, or is it relevant in our modern society?
As I prepped for today’s talk with my small group, I watched all the videos inside the curriculum we’re using for Confirmation prep. And something that stuck out about chastity was that even though it may seem very unpopular and “restrictive” (I can’t think of another word for it), it actually gives us more freedom to love.
The Church argues that when sex happens before marriage (or even too soon in a relationship) you can’t be 100% sure that that person you’re marrying loves you for you or just loves the feelings of being with you. When waiting until marriage for sex, you know the person you’re marrying is going into the commitment because they love you…not for the sex.
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I know I’m not finding the right words to explain it, and I can’t remember exactly what video I watched that explained it so eloquently, but that’s the general idea. And when going into marriage with the right intention and commitment, it frees you to love unconditionally. It makes sense, but what I think is most beautiful is this:
The sacrament of matrimony is not complete until the sexual embrace.
For some reason this week, I went down the rabbit hole of Fr. Mike Schmitz’s videos on YouTube, and the ones I watched were about marriage, sex, and chastity. He explains everything so well in a way that makes sense — and it makes me fall in love with the Catholic church even more.
The teachings of the church are wise.
So when he said those words above, I thought it was so beautiful. Marriage is not complete until the sexual embrace happens.
Sex is meant to be a part of the wedding day.
Sex completes marriage. 💕
God doesn’t punish us by saying that we have to wait until marriage for sex. But He is giving us a gift to grow in love and intimacy with another person — one person — for the rest of our lives. I think that’s so beautiful and special.
Clearly, I did not wait until marriage. I’m still single waiting to find that man I can grow in love with and build a life together (and have satisfying sex with). And as I continue dating, I’m discerning what chastity would look like for me. Is that a decision I want to make? Do I want to take sex off the table until marriage?
I don’t know. Maybe. But I’m not entirely sure. I’m still discerning.
I know people push back against this teaching, saying that you should “test drive” before you make that commitment. But…if you really love someone, “test driving” shouldn’t matter. That’s the point the Church is making when it comes to chastity. You shouldn’t marry someone for the sex…that you “test drove” and they were good in bed, so sure, you’ll marry them so that you know the sex will be decent for the rest of your life.
What makes sex good is loving one another. Committing to each other. Building a life together. Growing together. Date nights. Raising kids. Laughter. Inside jokes. The quiet moments. Holding hands. Hugs. Steady support. Being together through the ups and downs. Being one another’s cheerleader.
THAT’S what makes sex good. Satisfying. A spiritual, loving act.
I told the girls today that casual sex isn’t satisfying. In my limited experience, it was fun, but there was nothing fulfilling in it. Those one and done experiences…I’m not sure I want to have that again.
You want to know what one guy said to me after one of those “one and done’s” (I hope he doesn’t read this 😆):
“Don’t start calling me your boyfriend.”
I wish I’d had the courage to put him in his place after he said that. Not in a mean way, just in an, that-wasn’t-necessary-to-say kind of way. I knew going into that night it’d mean nothing, so I didn’t have my expectations set high.
Despite that, I found a part of me still wished for something more.
And that’s the problem. The wishing.
I made a comment today during our small group that sex is about giving yourself to another person. And one of the girls asked what I meant.
I really had to think about my answer on the spot…and I stumbled my way through it.
What I told her (in so many words) was that sex is intimate. You have to make yourself vulnerable. You’re giving your body and soul to another person. Sex is a spiritual act — it’s connection. And that’s something you don’t just give away and allow anyone to have.
So is chastity still relevant?
I wonder if people would be happier in their relationships and marriages if it was practiced more.
I know people will argue against this, and everyone can have their own beliefs. I respect that.
And sure, maybe it does feel old-fashioned. But maybe the Catholic Church hasn’t changed its stance because it’s full of wisdom and truth…and maybe there is some truth to chastity. Maybe sex isn’t the only part of a relationship we should care about. Maybe there’s more to relationships than the act of sex. And maybe we’ve strayed so far away from the church teachings that it feels irrelevant — but maybe it really isn’t.
I told the girls today that they have to choose what’s right for them. They have to discern whether chastity is something they want to practice. And if they ever find themselves in a situation where they’re pressured to move quickly and do more than they feel comfortable doing, I hope they have the courage to say no. I don’t want them to have regrets when it comes to sex…especially their first time. It should be special. Sex is special…and it’s a gift from God.
Sex completes the sacrament of marriage.
I’m in awe. 😌
