Dear Queer ~ How Do I Use They Pronouns?
Gayly Giving Advice Straight from the Heart ~ November 2026
Dear Queer,
Someone I care about has a loved one I am going to meet this holiday season who uses the pronoun they. I am a 59-year-old retired English teacher whose brain says they mean more than one person. I tried to Google it, but that made me more confused. I know they will give me grace if I mess up, but I would like to show that I cared enough to learn how to say it correctly ahead of time. Could you please explain it to me kindly, as if I were a child?
Signed,
Ms. Hedgehog
Hey Ms. Hedgehog,
I must admit—I’m about as curious with your name as a later-in-life lesbian arriving at her first Dyke March in San Francisco. Like, do you love hedgehogs? Are you a human companion to one? Or are you akin to us crazy cat ladies, only hedgehog style? Did you ever study animal medicine and learn (as I just did with a quick internet search) that several Native North American tribes, as well as people in ancient Egypt, revere the hedgehog? Why, you might ask? I’ll tell you:
In Egypt, hedgehogs were viewed as sacred symbols of rebirth because of their ability to hibernate and reawaken. While in North America, various Native tribes respect hedgehogs as clever guides and protectors of Mother Earth. When treated with kindness by humans, the hedgehog symbolizes good fortune for the tribe.
What in the heck does this have to do with pronouns? Absolutely nothing… Except… I took something unfamiliar to me, and rather than avoid or ignore the unknown, I learned about it instead. Much like your choice to learn proper use of pronouns. I wanted to demonstrate how quick and easy it is to learn new things. All it takes is desire, and you, Ms. Hedgehog, have that part dialed in. So let’s get to the basics now, shall we?
The easiest way to deal with pronouns is to swap out the pronoun for the person’s name whenever possible. It takes a little extra thought, so speak slowly to give yourself time to learn this new habit. Once you do, it’ll come naturally.
You asked for some elementary examples, and easy is the best place to start. When we set ourselves up with attainable goals, it boosts our confidence and quickens our learning curve.
Let’s say Sarah uses she/her pronouns, and her partner, Alix, uses they/them. You want to communicate that both individuals are going to the movies, but if you say They are going to the movies, it's unclear. Is it Sarah and Alix, or just Alix? In this scenario, you can simply toss in the word both, like so:
They are both going to the movies tonight.
Or you can swap out they for their names:
Sarah and Alix are going to the movies tonight.
If someone responds, Is anyone else going?
Instead of saying No, just them, you can say:
No, only those two are going.
The best etiquette you can possibly have when meeting someone new is to lead by example. Such as, when you extend your hand to shake during an introduction, say:
Hey, I’m Ms. Hedgehog. I use she/her pronouns. And you?
Get Candra Anaya’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
My reply would be, I’m Candra. I use she/her. Thanks for asking.
Lastly, I want to say that we all make mistakes. The other day, I heard a friend of mine refer to their own child as he, when their child has used they/them pronouns for the better part of a decade. Expect to make mistakes, and when you do, there is no need for over-the-top, gushing apologies unless you want to take a potentially awkward moment and turn it into a definitive one. At the time of error, all you gotta do is this:
I ran into her at the store the other day—oops, I mean, them. I asked how they liked their new home, and they said they loved it!
That’s all it takes. A simple acknowledgment of the misgendering, the correction, and then carrying out the rest of the conversation ordinarily. If someone corrects you in a bluster, which has happened to me more times than I can count, I always appreciate the correction and move on. Like so:
I saw Lucy driving out of the parking lot the other—
My friend cuts me off and corrects me: Lucy goes by Luke now.
Oh, wow—I didn’t know. Which pronouns does Luke use?
He/him.
Okay, thanks for letting me know.
Or if you already knew the proper pronouns and simply forgot, after the correction, you can follow up with:
Oh, that’s right. I saw Luke driving out of the parking lot the other day, and I was so excited to see him.
Moving forward, the best cheat sheet for you is the one I call Triple A. And while I’m not talking about car insurance or roadside assistance, if you use Triple A, it’ll help you out of a jam. Most unintentional mistakes can be remedied with a sincere A of your choice:
- Acknowledge the mistake
- Affirm the correction
- Apologize if needed
Honestly, Ms. Hedgehog, as a retired English teacher, you understand better than most how language is ever-evolving. There are plenty of words and phrases that don’t make logical sense. Take, for instance, the very first time someone said, I feel so cool, and didn’t mean they were chilly in body temperature, but that they were feeling rather badass. Don’t get me started on exactly how the word bad combined with the word ass became the highest of the high compliments, meaning that you were the coolest of cool; go back far enough, and some would even say the cat’s meow. Who on earth decided that the cat’s meow meant you were the badass of the coolest bunch? I bet it was a crazy cat lady, like me. When we can remind ourselves that expanding language means increasing knowledge, we can remember that growth is a good thing.
Thank you for being an elder leading the way. I hope you have a wonderful shared holiday and that you make a great new friend. Hey, maybe you can even share this column with them? Let them know it is never too late to teach an old dog new tricks. Oh — excuse me — I meant an old hedgehog, new tricks. See how effortless that was? You got this, Ms. Hedgehog. It’s easy peasy.
Stay queer, my dear!
HOLIDAY SALES! FREE SHIPPING & FREE DEAR QUEER STICKERS!
My first collaborative book, The Life-Changing Power of Self-Love, a #1 Amazon Bestseller ~ SAVE OVER $50 ~ ORDER HERE & NOW!
