Addiction Is Often an Attempt to Regulate
Some people were introduced to substances long before they ever heard of regulation. Think about that?
They knew to take a drink when they needed to settle their nerves before anyone taught them about anxiety. I had to enter my fifth decade of life before I knew about regulation. I myself knew how to get through a night using substances before I ever learned to sit with what was inside me.
When I work with people around their addiction, I never ask, “Why did you do it?” I ask instead what the substance was doing for them. What need it fulfilled, and what it promised. What they believed it would provide in the moment.
The person who drinks alcohol might be doing so because it helps take the edge off. For another, cocaine might give them energy when they feel flat or give them the social lubrication to engage other people. A substance could quieten a head that has been running on full power all day long. They could be using the substance to get away from their reality for an hour or for however long it lasts. When we look closer, all the chaos is an attempt to regulate a system that is overwhelmed and under pressure.
Regulation is the ability to know when something is going of inside us without getting consumed by it. Regulation doesn’t mean that you are calm at all times, but that things can happen, and you don’t crumble; you respond. It’s about being able to have the bigger feelings without becoming them. Many people have never been taught how to do that. They have learned to regulate through the bottle, pill, powder and liquid. They learned to do whatever it takes to get relief in the moment; they learned instant gratification.
These kinds of responses become so familiar that the person hardly notices the movement between the steps they take and the action. They feel low, bad or even sad. They use, and they feel better for a while. Repeat this cycle often enough it becomes the only answer.
Not all addictions can be explained by trauma; people use for many different reasons. Curiosity, pleasure, friendship, and excitement they all play a part. Some people grew up in loving homes and still developed a substance use problem. Not everyone will fit into the same story. Whatever the reason for bringing people to substance use, I believe the bigger question we need answered is what it is that keeps bringing them back. I would say that answer has a lot to do with how they feel when they are sober. But whatever keeps bringing them back needs to be brought to light in order for the “why” to develop.
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I have seen people describe in full detail the impact of substance use, the pain, chaos, broken relationships, and failed commitments. They know the negative impact of the substance use. However, the lure of an instant hit of relief, peace, and escape trumps the consequences. The consequences are tomorrow’s problem.
This is why when we tell the person to think about the consequences of what they are doing, it falls on deaf ears. They live every day with the consequences of what they are doing. If they are getting quietness from their reality, the last thing they want to think about is consequences. They are only thinking about what has disturbed their peace and the best way to get some equilibrium in themselves. The consequences are for another time; the relief is the goal. Using the substance is their attempt to regulate a system that has gone into overwhelm.
For some the substance creates a version of themselves they often can’t access sober. It gives them confidence; they speak more freely. They feel less afraid of being judged. They can laugh, stay awake and connect. When we give the warning “think about the consequences,” it is clear why they don’t. Because in the moment, they are given what they believed they would receive. But even when they do give up the substance, they may also feel like they are giving up the largest part of who they were. Without the substance, they struggle to access the version of themselves that can nurture them.
This is where regulation has to become part of recovery. Removing the substance does not automatically teach the person how to manage anxiety, shame, loneliness or the noise inside their head. If the substance was their quickest route to confidence or peace, there will be a vacancy when it is gone.
The work is helping the person notice what happens before the urge arrives.
What feeling is building? What story are they telling themselves? What does the substance promise in that moment?
That gap is where regulation can be learned. It might begin with breathing, grounding, movement, phoning someone or naming the feeling instead of running from it. These things can seem small compared with the instant change a substance provides. But repeated over time, they teach the nervous system that discomfort can be survived without escaping from it.
The goal is not to never feel anxious, angry, ashamed or lonely again. The goal is to know that a feeling can be present without taking control of the next decision. An urge is not an order, and a feeling does not have to become a behaviour.
Some people were introduced to substances before they were introduced to regulation. That does not mean they are broken. It means they learned one powerful way to change how they felt. Recovery is helping them understand that pattern and build new ways of creating internally what they once searched for externally.
