Circles and Cycles
The earth moves in cycles, the seasons change in a cycle, the holidays come in cycles, our bodies experience cycles on microscopic and macroscopic levels each year, month, day, and moment.
Let’s assume the shape of a cycle would be a circle because of the many similarities between cycles and circles. The same way a cycle comes and goes and then returns again, so too the points on a circle. The same way cycles are predictable forever, so too a circle. The same way there is no real “newness” in a cycle, rather just continuation of what is expected, so too a circle. This is one of the main spiritual issues with a the shape of a circle, or the Hebrew letter “samech.” There is no newness, no beginning or end, and no felt movement in a circle. There is no creativity and growth in a circle. For that reason, there is no mention of the letter “samech” in the entire creation story (with one exception) until the formation of Eve. The Torah could not have used a “non-creative” letter in the story of creation because everything is in it’s beginning being created from total nothingness.
The cycle of the seasons brings new tastes, colors, and fragrances to the scene that have been waiting on the backburner from the previous year. As we enter the fall, pumpkin spice lattes and chicken soup are welcomed with open arms as the nights become long and the warmth of the summer slowly shadows into the cold winter. The candy on Sukkot becomes the donuts on Chanukah as the world around us exchanges trick-or-treating and costumes for turkeys and pumpkin pie.
Some cycles bring new flavors and some bring new weather. Some cycles trigger song associations and some control our sleep habits. Some cycles would worry us if they randomly stopped and some cycles would make us very happy if they stopped. For the right reason, of course.
From the age of puberty, women begin to menstruate. This cycle of 30-something days continues and continues and continues. For many years, women have this cycle of bleeding, maturing follicles, ovulating, and then bleeding again when the follicle is not fertilized. This is a cycle that takes place more than skin-deep and is barely something that is noticed for a young woman just living through her teenage years. As she grows up, her cycle grows with her and maybe she even learns to plan her life around her cycle. Through every stage of life, her period continues to work in a cycle as it was created to do so. It’s a cycle that doesn’t stop; it goes and goes and goes. The hormonal feedback loop continues, until there is some command to stop. Other than menopause (the halt of this cycle entirely), birth control pills (the intentional break in communication between the brain and ovaries) and different hormonal issues, there is one other reason the cycle will be interrupted; pregnancy.
Pregnancy is the natural menstrual cycle interrupter. The greatest of the interrupters. The most exciting of the interrupters. The interrupter that replaces your cycle of bleeding and shedding dead cells with life and laughter and children and future.
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I have had my cycle now for almost 15 years. That is 180 cycles in a row of bleeding, maturing follicles, ovulating, and then bleeding. Of those 180 cycles, 4 of them were disappointing, 4 of them were worrying, and 5 of them were devastating.
Besides for the difficulty over the past year relating to fertility, there is an added layer of tension as a religious woman who receives her cycle like a clock. From the moment we got married, we were on a cycle and that cycle continues until this moment. Planning for separate beds when going on holidays, remembering bedikah cloths and placing them in just about every place possible, needing to go to the mikvah on evenings that you had other things planned, and being frustrated at different friends and family for not having single beds in their homes because, somehow, we are always in niddah when we go away and Gav will have to sleep on the floor. Planning vacation is impossible with our general schedules as well as my monthly cycle and will, inevitably, only work out between all 3 schedules once a year over tisha b’av. Every month having the same familiar feeling as the balanit at the mikvah wishes me “besorot tovot” and I just feel raw and numb, knowing that I will most probably see this lady next month also.
That’s how cycles work. It’s predictable. I know already when to start prepping for the mikvah and how long it takes. I know the amount of minutes I need to arrive, dunk, and get dressed and I know which mikvah in the area is the cleanest or quietest. I know where to park in order to avoid the most amount of people. I have had the time to investigate over the last 26 cycles of being married.
The emotional cycle throughout the month is also an aspect. The morning my basal body temperature does a nosedive, I know it’s coming. The cramps begin, the disappointment starts to set in, and the tears unleash. The first week or so consists of processing the pain, disappointment, and heartbreak, rolling myself out of bed, limiting my naps on the couch, forcing myself to put on a face at work, and coming home to a loving husband who I can’t hug, and quite frankly, generally want to scream at for the first week of my cycle. My emotions are not cohesive, just sad and explosive, and I have no energy to make intelligent or kind decisions for myself and for the people around me. My world feels shattered, my body feels pain, my heart is angry and I feel that I might never have hope or joy again. I feel total betrayal from my body and nowhere effective to place those emotions. The pain sometimes becomes so numbing that I cant even speak. I cant look at my friends and neighbors. Even when I sleep, my thoughts meet me in my nightmares and wake me in a state of panic and fear. I forget who I am at all.
Once we are mid-follicular stage, I have less emotional reactions and more ability to filter, but lingering pain is constant and tears are readily available at the introduction of any trigger or emotional conversation. At this point, I need to intentionally get myself together as I make it closer to the mikvah (it is most definitely an intentional decision for the sake of my marriage). This is where I try to make intelligent decisions regarding my friendships (and not cutting out pregnant friends), as well as express myself in cohesive sentences to the people around me and discuss the overwhelming emotions I experienced in the first phase of the cycle. This is where we game-plan for next month when I, inevitably, will be explosive once again. This generally consists of nice ways for Gav to interact with me when I might try to bite his head off and how he can help me stabilize when I am uncontrollably upset. At this point, I try to apologize to Gav, always knowing that another apology will be needed in probably 2 or 3 days.
You would expect luteal phase to be a breeze, but I often have some of the most hormonal reactions post ovulation. I cannot seem to crack the code why, but for this moment, I have to let it go and just be annoyed when I am annoyed. These hormonal reactions might entail crying myself to sleep, getting so angry at Gav that I cant speak to him, or needing to book a session with our couples therapist to have a supervised rant / scream / frustration session.
Once I am at the end of my luteal phase (days 28–31), I generally have the most peace of mind, hence I call these days “the 3 days that I feel emotionally stable.” These are the days of hope, the days of relaxing, the days that I pray to not feel my uterus contracting, the days that I have energy, the days that I might wear something a little less snug just in case. These are the days where my nightmares become pleasant dreams and my mind can go to the happier, more optimistic places. These are the days I might touch my stomach in the hopes that something might be growing, and let myself, for just a few moments, imagine. Imagine what it will be like when my basal body temperature doesn’t do a nosedive and imagine that I dont feel betrayed by my body. Imagine what it will be like to tell my family and friends. Imagine what it will be like to be past these many disappointing cycles. Imagine what it will be like to have a break from the menstruation-emotion cycle. Imagine what it will be like to have a maternity leave, not need to plan vacations around my cycle, and not care if there is one or two beds at shabbat destinations. Imagine that I could be happy for my friends when they tell me they are expecting. Imagine that I will be holding my own child someday and not crying over a picture of someone else’s.
These are the days that remind me that one day I wont feel so sad after day 31. Day 32 will come and become day 33, and I do believe, somewhere in my gut, that this will still happen for me. Maybe one day, I wont be crying on day 1 and instead, this cycle will be interrupted by the greatest of all the interrupters; a healthy pregnancy.
