ENM, CNM, RA, Poly — What Does it All Mean?!?
If I had to pick two things I consider emblematic of non-monogamy, my picks would be Google Calendars and acronyms. Like kinky folks, non-monogamous folks love their acronyms, and when I was a non-monogamy newbie, I felt like I needed a glossary just to read a Feeld profile. And once I learned what all the acronyms meant, I felt like I needed a graduate degree in relationship styles (and attachment styles!) just to accurately describe the relationships I was in and the ones I was looking for.
In a way, this blog post is what I wish I had when I began exploring non-monogamy. Hopefully, it helps you feel a little less lost than I did.
A Non-monogamy Glossary
Let’s start with decoding the acronyms and some basic definitions:
- CNM = Consensual Non-monogamy: An umbrella term for any relationship where the people involved decide they don’t want to be monogamous. The structures and agreements of CNM relationships vary widely.
- ENM = Ethical Non-monogamy: Another umbrella term for any relationship where the people involved decide they don’t want to be monogamous. The structures and agreements of ENM relationships vary widely. CNM and ENM are often used interchangeably. ENM seems to be the more popular term these days.
- RA = Relationship Anarchy: A type of CNM/ENM that stresses individual freedom and de-prioritizing relationship hierarchies. People who align with RA view and treat all their relationships — friendships, romantic relationships, and sexual relationships — as equally important.
- Poly = Polyamorous: A type of CNM/ENM that acknowledges that people can have multiple loving, committed relationships at the same time. Relationship structures and agreements vary widely in poly relationships.
- Relationship Agreements: Every relationship, monogamous or not, is based on agreements between the people involved about how they want their relationship to function. Relationship agreements take on a more prominent role in CNM/ENM relationships because there are more people involved and more feelings, values, and beliefs to take into account.
- Relationship Structures: The structure of a monogamous relationship is two people who are committed exclusively to one another. In CNM/ENM relationships, there are far more relationship structures because there are more relationships and each person in each relationship has a different relationship to the other people their partners are involved with.
- Relationship Escalator: A term coined by poly blogger Amy Gahran in 2012 that describes the way society expects monogamous relationships to escalate — dating, exclusive relationship, engagement, and eventually marriage. CNM/ENM folks often talk about “getting off the relationship escalator” to convey that they don’t expect all of their relationships to progress this way.
Now that we’ve got a common language, let’s get into some more detail about different styles and structures of non-monogamous relationships.
CNM/ENM Relationships = BYO Relationship
Let’s play the semantics game for a minute. Even though CNM and ENM are essentially the same concept, people have strong feelings about which term they use. Some people prefer CNM because it emphasizes that the root of all non-monogamous relationships, and all relationships in general, is consent. Others prefer ENM because it emphasizes ethical relationship practices, including but not limited to consent. In the end, both terms are “correct,” and the term someone chooses to use is totally up to them.
Moving on…
Since CNM/ENM relationships encompass literally any non-monogamous relationship, they really are the build-your-own of relationship styles. As long as everyone involved consents to practicing non-monogamy, the relationships structures and agreements can be whatever you all want them to be.
For some people that looks like having one committed romantic relationship and one or more sexual relationships. For others, CNM/ENM can look like having multiple partners who all have significant roles in thier lives, though one or two partners might play a larger role than others. Some folks in CNM/ENM relationships date together, meaning they both date the same people at the same time, and some folks date separately, meaning that they form their own relationships and their partners have no sexual or romantic involvement with the other people they’re dating. CNM/ENM couples might even be “monogam-ish,” meaning that they are primarily monogamous, but may have purely sexual relationships with other people together or separately.
There’s a lot of freedom in getting to define your own relationship structure and agreements, which is a huge bonus. But deciding what relationship structures and agreements work for you and/or your partner(s) takes a lot of dedicated, clear communication. Even though that communication can be tough, it’s crucial so everyone understands and can consent to the relationship agreements and structures that feel good for them.
Get Earth and Salt’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
The wide variety of relationship structures and agreements that can exist under the umbrella of CNM/ENM can make it difficult to know what any given person means when they say they’re CNM or ENM. Based on my experience on the apps, people who self-identify as CNM/ENM usually just mean they’re “not poly” and “not a relationship anarchist.” I’ve noticed that most of the people who describe themselves as CNM/ENM instead of poly or RA are looking for purely sexual connections or casual connections without commitment.
That said, I cannot stress enough that people use these terms in wildly different ways, so it’s always best to ask:
- What exactly does that mean for you?
- What kinds of connections are you looking for?
- What do your relationship agreements with the people you’re currently seeing look like?
Save yourself a ride on the emotional rollercoaster, and make sure anyone you’re chatting with is practicing CNM/ENM in a way that works for you.
Relationship Anarchy = Rejecting Societal Expectations for Relationships, Not A Free Pass
A non-monogamy rite of passage is following as many non-monogamous content creators as you can find. If you’ve already completely this rite of passage, you might have noticed a lot of discourse about relationship anarchy. That discourse exists because, unfortunately, people out there are using the principles of relationship anarchy as a free pass to be selfish and skirt accountability in their relationships.
So, let me be really clear right up front: those people aren’t actually practicing relationship anarchy. They’re just being bad at relationships. At its core, relationship anarchy is about totally rethinking the way we engage in and prioritize relationships, not doing whatever the F you want in relationships.
People practicing real relationship anarchy do highly value their autonomy in relationships, so their relationship agreements probably won’t include “asking permission” from a romantic or sexual partner before they pursue a new connection. But that doesn’t mean they don’t care about how their romantic or sexual partners feel about that! Relationship anarchy involves a lot of talking about feelings, attachment, and security, and a lot of holding space for uncomfortable feelings. It doesn’t involve bailing just because a partner or sexual partner has big feelings and “can’t handle” the priority on autonomy.
Relationship anarchy also challenges the idea that we should prioritize romantic and sexual connections over other connections. For most relationship anarchists, friendships are just as important if not more important than romantic or sexual connections. This is a very different approach to relationships than most people are used to. Romantic and sexual partners often expect to get more time and attention than their paramour’s friends, and relationship anarchy means completely rethinking these expectations. Again, this can bring up big feelings for romantic and sexual partners, and people truly practicing relationship anarchy will stay present with those big feelings to figure out if the connection is really working for everyone involved.
People committed to practicing relationship anarchy in an ethical way that centers consent arguably have to be even more intentional than people practicing other styles of CNM/ENM because of all the emotional work that comes with rejecting societal relationship standards.
Poly = There’s Enough Love to Go Around!
Like other styles of non-monogamy, poly can mean something different to each person practicing it. The one commonality is the belief that people can have multiple loving, committed relationships at the same time. They believe that love isn’t a limited resource, and they approach their relationships from a perspective of abundance.
From that basis, poly relationships take on a “build your own” style much like any other ENM/CNM relationship. Some poly people have multiple partners who don’t date each other, who all get a relatively equal amount of time, attention, and capacity. Other poly people have a nesting or anchor partner — a partner they live with, are married to, or have a more established relationship with — and other partners who don’t date the nesting/anchor partner or other partners. Still other poly people have partners who also date each other.
Like relationship anarchists, most poly people reject relationship hierarchies as well. This means, to the extent that they can, they don’t prioritize one partner over another. They try to give equal time, attention, and capacity to each partner they’re seeing. Of course, poly people who have nesting or anchor partners, especially those who have children with their nesting or anchor partners, probably can’t be completely non-hierarchical in all their relationships.
Some poly folks prefer not to date people with nesting or anchor partners or established families because they know they likely won’t get an equal amount of time, attention, and capacity. However, some poly folks accept that not everyone can be completely non-hierarchical, and adjust their expectations of their partner(s) based on that reality.
Everybody has different needs for time, attention, and capacity, so what works for one poly person might not work for another, and that’s totally okay! What matters is making sure that the relationship agreements you decide on work for everyone involved and the willingness to update those relationship agreements as the relationship evolves.
More Resources for Practicing Non-monogamy
This blog post is literally just the basics. Navigating non-monogamy has a steep learning curve, and pretty much everyone will mess up at some point. We’re all human after all! But if you want to build your non-monogamy skillset, check out our blog post: Books That Can Help You Navigate Non-Monogamy and Polyamory.
