Covert Narcissist and Mutual Friends
People who see covert narcissist only out and about think CN is charming, funny, entertaining and he is. At least my last CN was, and he is also a great singer. He is the best singer I have ever heard. Is he famous? No. Because he hasn’t done recording in 14 years. I tried to get him to do that and he just made excuses. “I don’t like the guitarist, I want my old band, I don’t have enough songs”. I said make EP for God’s sake. He never got it done. I tried and gave him opportunities to do that. I know multiple people who have recording studios. And when he was on tour, he was most of the time drunk or in drugs and behaving like idiot. No one wants to work with him anymore. And after that he was acting like he was something special. It went to his head right away.
But I have a new problem. We are in same music genre. Me usually in the audience and he singing. We have mutual friends. So now when there there is a gig, I rather not go as I don’t want to see CN. Not that I am afraid of him. I think he is afraid of me. I just don’t want to see him, talk to him or have nothing to do with him. There is a gig coming soon, my friend is the promoter of the venue. I like him, he is a nice guy, but also CN’s drummer. He often backs up him at tours and gigs. He booked this American band and I was like, I could go there, it would be fun. Until he changed the flyer in social media and I read that CN is now booked there too to sing. So I am not going.
Someone might say don’t let CN limit your life. You should be able to do what you want. I agree with that, but unfortunately it is not that way. I know what would happen if I would go and tried to have fun. CN would bring an other women in front of me, rather someone I know, be sweet and loving towards her, maybe even propose her in front of me on stage. Just to make me feel worthless and not loved. Giving someone else what I once wanted from him without understanding that I don’t want it anymore, because of his behavior and actions toward me in the past. He would act like I don’t matter, never did. Even when he would made this whole show to make me feel as bad as possible. He would be charming, funny and nice to everyone else and maybe even say something to me too. It would be a one man show. He would have this whole performance prepared and planned for me. That he is doing fine and is happier than ever without me in his life. Which it total lie. Without me he doesn’t accomplish anything, because I made it happen without knowing it. I did the hard work, he was just freeriding.
I am quite sure he has denied me and said to others, that we never had anything, he never cared about or was interested in me. That it was me who was chasing him and trying to have something with him. Which would be funny as we spend four years together more or less. If he would have been that hesitant and made it clear to me that he was not interested in me, I don’t think I would have spend four years thinking that this relationship might work. He would not have introduced me to his mother and closest friends. And he is right, we did not have anything. As everything was illusion and one big lie from his part. But denying that I even existed is not right. I was and I am. Just not with him.
And sure I could spend my night trying to avoid him and not to see him, but when he is there performing — going there would be also supporting him, also financially by paying the ticket to see him and I certainly have done more than enough that in my life. Support him emotionally and financially. It would be impossible not see or hear him. I still like him as a singer. Not as a man. I don’t think him as a man. He does not have qualities that I think man should have. It is like dealing with 4 years old every day. And after the truth about other women came out, the lies, the betrayal and the financial abuse, not only toward me, but many others made me feel sick that I was even dealing with that kind of person. Who had no remorse and used his charm and reputation or talent as musician to use people to benefit and gain himself. And then deny that he never did anything, ahd anything with these women, they never exist or even were there.
I would not enjoy being at his gig, because I have no need to perform myself. I rather would not pretend that I am fine with him or how the things ended. I am not. I still feel bad about it. I just don’t think of it much anymore. I have someone else I am interested in and hope he feels the same way about me. I would rather spend time with him, but we are not yet that close and I would never put him in the position that I would ask him to come with me to see my ex singing. I was alone for a long time. I was alone even when I was with CN, because he made me feel that way. He left me alone many times when he was with someone else. He said with friends or family. Or work. He was nice to me in public and cruel in private. Or he made plans with me and never showed up. He was never abusive physically, but emotionally yes. He made sure that he ruined most of my happy moments. He felt that every success I had was a hit to his ego and he had to either diminish it or punish me for being better than him in something.
The thing that kept me hanging was uncertainty. The fact that he was sometimes very nice and loving, and after that ignorant and rude. I did not know where I was standing, I was not sure about the things and I tried to figure out is there something to hang on. If I asked, he told me the answer I wanted to hear. When I was suspicious that he was seeing other women behind my back, I asked him and he denied it. I thought that maybe I am imaging things. I was not. But I did not know it then and I did not have any proof. Now I do. It is there all over the social media. I just did not see it first as it was all hidden, in private accounts or he deleted comments that would have shown the truth from his account. All the evidence of someone else were removed. He had whole relationship with an other girl, not a woman as her lever of maturity is of a little girl. She must have known about me. I did not know that she was still in the picture. She was his ex. And their aim was to get money out of me with him pretending to have feelings for me. I don’t know what he said to her about me. That we had nothing I guess. That she was imaging things. She was the one he beat up in the end. Then she left too.
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CN never had the balls to solve anything with me and he does not grow a pair suddenly, so there is nothing to talk about or chance in hell that we would be some kind of friends and would laugh about things and have fun with our mutual friends and maybe new partners. No, I would be there alone watching different kind of show and I don’t put myself into that position. He cannot understand that I was alone so long so long and so many times that I got bored of it, waiting for nothing. It is impossible for him to understand that I did not have anyone else when I left. Because he always have women hanging there hoping that he would someday give them what he promised. He keeps them as security, if one leaves, like they all will, he has already someone else as backup. Always had. He did not have time for me, because he was too busy to keep other options.
I am sure he has also told to our mutual friends very twisted story about what happened with me. I bet he is playing innocent and saying “I don’t know what happened. She just blocked me without reason.” Maybe they believe him, maybe not. But they want to stay in terms with him. Some because they play music with him and it benefits them. Some because he has not done anything to them and they think it is part of being rockstar to behave bad and use women. Some because they think he is cool, because of his talent and some kind of fame. They don’t want to rock the boat and they rather stick with him than with me. Sure, they know he lies and uses women, that is the way he is. But they also think it is amusing. They never think how many people he hurts while doing what he is doing. And they fell for the same trap as I did. “I need some help? Can you help me? I will pay you back”. To me it was also, “If you would love me you would help me”. Maybe not in these words, but “I knew you would not help me, no one does” or something similar. And he does this same to multiple women at the same time. Same stories all over again and nothing changes. He only changes the women to new ones, who don’t know him so well.
Last time we saw, it was one and half years ago. I haven’t counted the exact days. He owed me money and asked me to come to his workplace to get it. He worked at the bar. When I went there he was smiling to my face and said he doesn’t have got the money. I raised my eyebrow, drank few drinks on his tab and when the bar closed, we went out and I was thinking to myself “This is last time we see. We will never see again.” And I did not feel bad or good. It was just my decision to put end to the financial and emotional abuse. He asked me “Are you going to walk home.” I said yes, and walked into the darkness. I was not afraid, but he put me into that situation by not paying me. I did not have money for the taxi. I thought he would give me what he lended — that is why I went to the bar. He never called or told me that he did not have the money or things changed. If he would have, I would have not gone to the there in the first place.
I never got the money beack. And it was not a big sum. I was about 30 dollars. But that is exactly what bothered me. CN thought that it does not matter if he never pays back to me little sums. That I forget and let it be. He always felt entitled to my money. My money that I had worked long hours. That I could buy something to myself. He never thought that I would leave. He thought that I was so hooked on him that I would always be there hoping that things will change and that he would love me and take care of me for a change. I was the provider, the man in that relationship. He was the spoiled princess who wanted this and that.
I don’t have a problem to do charity, but I thought first that I am investing in us. That I am helping him to get over hard times. After four years I can stay he has always hard times. And even if he doesn’t he pretends that he is. It is the game he plays and I am not the only woman he was scamming. I have seen his account. And the best was when my phone gave me notification 4 am that he was using our mutual debit card to rent a room for few hours in motel where people go to have sex.
When I said to him that “I hope you had fun last night”. He was like “It is not your business and I used my own money.” Yes he did, but then he comes to me complaining that he has no money for food or dog food. I ordered huge bags of dry food for the dogs from Amazon to deliver to him. And I answered “You are right, your sex life is not my business, and my money is not yours.” End of discussion. I did not want him near me anymore. I did not want him or STD either.
So I have no interest to let him spoil one more night for me, he has already done that so many times. I rather be somewhere else, doing something else with someone else. I rather avoid CN for the rest of my life than to play his games anymore. Because that is only way he knows how to live. He spends lot of time to manipulate people instead of advancing himself, learning something new or doing anything productive. He needs women to support him, lift him up, boost his ego and give him life. Not only one, multiple. And it does not matter what they look or how they are. It is enough that they are easy to fool. He gives minimum effort and lot of excuses, illusions and empty promises. He enjoys being the puppet master. But the reality is that without puppets there is no master. He needs them. I don’t need him.
And I was once foolish to believe, to trust and be manipulated, but not anymore. I don’t care what he says about me to people, I don’t care what they think. I am free to do whatever I want and I choose to do nothing with him. I saw and experienced enough. I know what he is and what he is capable of doing. I wish he would never hurt anyone again, but he will. It is the only thing he can do well. And if I have to skip few parties and gigs, i will do it rather than go there to pretend that I am fine with him being there or me being in the same place with him. I am not. You don’t go voluntarily to the same place with your abuser after you have got rid of him. You avoid him. Not because you are afraid, but because you love yourself. There is no need to start it all over again. When you get out, you don’t want to go back. Your whole perspective changes. You see how ugly CN is inside out. You don’t see him anymore as something you would desire or want. Not even as a friend. And certainly nothing more than that.
I sometimes tell to the new guy about CN, what he did or what I think he did. I still don’t have answers to all of the things that have happened. And I am not interested in finding out either. I have enough proof of disrespect, dishonesty and cruelty. I don’t need more. And he said to me “My heart would never let me do something like that.” And he tells me how much I mean to him, he sends me screenshots from his phone and videos where he is and what he is doing. He is like total opposite of CN, whose whole life was one big secret. I adore this new guy and I hope he will never change. I have had too many men who are nice first and then change into monsters. It would be easier for me to just give up. But I am not a quitter.
