10 reasons why we wouldn’t be friends
✧ this article is adapted from one of my tiktok videos. if you’d rather watch than read, the original is → here
I saw people doing this a few weeks ago and I thought, you know what, let me do this too, because I’ve realised that a lot of people think the way I deal with my friendships is not normal.
I do compromise a lot with my friends. But other times, my values are my values.
The friends I’ve had for the longest already understand this about me, so it’s every new friend that comes into my life that finds it weird.
1. I’m slow to respond
Right now, in this age of everything, people are juggling multiple things at the same time. I just do not have the capacity to respond all the time.
I will see your text come through. I will see your call come through. When I’m ready to respond, I will respond.
And if other people do the same to me, I don’t feel any sort of way.
If it’s urgent, I already tell everyone — put URGENT, all caps, in your message. But if you just want to give me gist, then you need to wait until I’m ready to hear that gist, because it is definitely not more important than the work I am doing right now.
2. I schedule calls
This one I only started in August, because there was a new person that came into my life and a family member I wasn’t really speaking to before also came back in, and I’m trying to build a relationship with both of them.
I swore off new friends, because I realised I did not have the capacity. And with these two new people, my capacity shrunk again.
So I decided to schedule calls for the people that are right now most important. I call my best friend during my lunch break at work because she’s in the US and that’s the time she wakes up. I call my closest friend here in the UK when I’m taking my dog feisty out on a walk.
If you’ve read Atomic Habits, that’s what I’m doing. Compounding on certain habits, doing things at a time where you’re already doing something else.
So rarely, lately, I can’t be on the phone just yapping. If I’m on the phone, trust that I’m doing some work on the other end, except it’s a sensitive conversation that requires my undivided attention.
3. I take breaks from friendships and romantic relationships
This is one I believe everyone should be doing more. You take breaks from work, so you should also be able to take breaks from people.
Even long-term relationships, I always say at least one month without your partner. I don’t think that’s too out of the ordinary.
Sometimes you just need to come back to yourself, because at the end of the day, you came to this world alone and you need time to come back into your body and reflect.
With my friends, the longest I’ve done is maybe two, three weeks. Obviously you tell people before you go on this break, and people in my life already know — when I say I’m off, I’m off.
When I’m back I feel rejuvenated. I feel renewed. I feel alive. I feel in a better position to be a better friend, a better partner, a better child.
4. I support everything
This is one people might find weird.
I support everything — obviously crimes are out, don’t commit any crime, don’t hurt anybody.
But if it has to do with your own personal life and you’re not hurting anybody, then go ahead with whatever it is you want to do.
If you’re harming yourself, I will intervene. I will speak to you and exhaust all options to help.
But at the end of the day, I am not responsible for you. I’m not responsible for anybody in this life. Whatever you want to do, as long as you know what the consequences are, you will be fine.
5. I rarely take advice
And I don’t take all of yours.
At the end of the day, this is my life and I’m living it the way I want to live it. Whatever I tell you I’m doing, even if you don’t support it, know that I have thought about the consequences and I am okay with the consequences.
One thing my family have always said about me is that I’m stubborn. My friends say I have coconut head.
And that is fine because this is my life. Whatever the consequence, it is not affecting you, so why is it an issue?
Same with my friends. When they’re doing things I don’t really approve of, I’ll tell them — I don’t approve of what you’re doing, but it’s fine. I’ll support you when the consequences reach you.
Well…I may not be there to really, really support you because you knew what you were getting yourself into.
Same with me. When I do something my friends don’t approve of and I get to the consequences part, I know I can’t be calling them to rant because I knew what I was doing when I took that decision.
And a lot of times, it’s just for the plot.
I’ve lived my life up until this point and I’ve been fine. So if I’m doing something extreme, trust that I have thought about the consequences, and that I’m fine with it.
6. friendship has levels
There are times where people will try to be your close friend and want to know things about you. Which is not a bad thing. But when I have the capacity to let people into my life, I tell them: this is the kind of level of friendship I see us having. Because I don’t want people to get the wrong idea.
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There are times where I’ve gotten the wrong idea too. I’ve thought I wanted to be close to someone and the person just wasn’t there, or didn’t have the time. That’s absolutely normal. A lot of times we just get in our feelings — nobody wants to be my friend, nobody wants to be my close friend.
Sometimes people don’t have the time. They really do not have the time!
So when I put you at a certain level and I tell you this is how it is, I expect you to also put me at that same level. I don’t expect you to start treating me more importantly than I treat you, because that’s how people start feeling some type of way.
We agree that this is the level we’re putting each other on. If it’s calling once a month, calling once in three months, if it’s just responding to stories — we all know what the level is.
And based on where your level is, there are certain things I won’t share about myself to you. If you want to share more, that’s fine. But you can’t be feeling some type of way later that you shared things and I didn’t do the same.
We already agreed before this.
7. I can’t be your everything
This cuts across everything. Even at work, I don’t help people with everything because I do not know everything. There are other people out there that can help you.
Sometimes we just get comfortable, but you need to think — is this person best skilled to help with this problem?
I have friends who are lawyers. If I have a law question, I’m going to ask them. Why am I asking my friend that studied agriculture about law? You should know what your friends are for. I know the type of friends that would love to listen to me rant. I know the type of friends that, after two minutes of ranting, they’re done listening.
And besides not being skilled at that thing, there are times where my capacity just won’t allow. One of my friends had been through something very traumatic, and I really wasn’t in the position to have that heart-to-heart emotional conversation. She depended on our other friends. Me — I sent her a gift basket and a teddy bear.
That is what I usually do. If I cannot help you, trust that you’ll be taken care of. As long as I can afford it in that moment, I’ll send you flowers, candles, everything. But in terms of having the conversation to work through it, sometimes I just don’t have the capacity.
8. no is sexy
I love saying no and I love hearing no. It is one of the sexiest things to me in the world.
Obviously it doesn’t feel good, I’m not going to sit here and say I’m always happy when people tell me no. But it is so good seeing somebody just say, I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to go out today. I don’t have the time to speak to you right now. I have to work. I have to study. Even if they don’t need to do anything important — I don’t want to talk today because I want to sleep all day.
That’s it. I’m not going to force it.
Right now, I’m not really present with my friends, and they know. I already told everybody from January 1st: the funmi that you got last year is not the funmi that you get this year. funmi is not going to be available.
Obviously there are times where I’ve lost control. My best friend came to tell me she didn’t really like our communication was getting poor, and I fixed up, because there are times where you lose yourself in your work and forget about everybody. So I appreciate it when people speak up about their feelings.
But if I truly cannot do something or I do not want to do something, you will hear no from me. And I expect you to do the same.
Please tell me no too. I’ll be sad and if I cry, I cry. I’ll be okay.
9. detach detach detach
I have detached from a lot of things and I have accepted that the world will be okay.
This might sound somehow, because the things I talk about on my page are about politics, society, and what’s happening in the world. But that’s just my contribution to the world. However I can help in the little things, with donations, I will do what I can.
But mentally, I have detached from everything. All this “AI is going to kill us” — I really don’t care. When the world ends, the world ends.
I’m really not bothered, because everything that is happening right now isn’t new, especially if you’ve studied history or you read a lot of old things. The conversations are new. The examples are new. But the structure and the way it is happening is not new. We’ve had rich people oppressing people since the era of Marie Antoinette telling people to eat cake. We’ve had people use wonderful technology in horrible ways. It is not going to stop today.
If you watched Attack on Titan, the final episode where they show Eren’s grave and how the world evolves over decades. Even after everything he did to save the world, a war still happens, and the world rebuilds itself. Another war happens 20 years later, the world rebuilds itself. Another war again, and so on and so forth.
That is just how it is. That is history.
Just be in this world, do what you can and leave the rest. Obviously speak up about global issues, but please detach.
These issues used to make sad when I was in uni. I remember going around the library with a petition on change.org. People were saying they were busy and I’d be like, give me your phone, I’ll sign it for you.
Omo, I’ve left all of that. Everybody will be okay.
10. solutions over rants
I always provide solutions rather than hear rants, and my best friend dislikes this about me.
I don’t like it when people go on and on about the same problem, the same issue, especially knowing that either there is no solution or there is already a solution sitting in front of them.
My rule of thumb is this: if the phone call is for an hour, I’ll use 30 minutes to listen to you. The remaining 30 minutes has to be about solutions.
What do you want to do right now? How do you want to fix this? If you want to keep crying and ranting, then call the next person.
Something like this happened recently with my best friend. I listened to her one night. The next morning, I sent a voice note telling her how I felt about the situation, and providing some solutions.
She wasn’t really happy about it because she was still in her feelings. And I understand that.
That’s why I tell people that if you just want to rant, I’m not the person for you. If you want rant and solutions, you can come to me. If you want solutions, come to me.
But if ranting is all you want to do about the same problem, it is not me.
Those are the 10 things :) Will you be my friend after hearing all of this?
