God Grades On A Curve
By Kevin J. W. Driscoll (c) 2023

Let me be honest, folks. My chances of strolling the pearly gates are about as likely as finding a decent bowl of baked beans outside of Boston. I mean, sure, I try to be a decent human. I donate to those less fortunate (when I remember). I avoid kicking puppies (mostly). I even mutter a halfhearted “bless you” when someone sneezes. But let’s be real, compared to Mother Teresa, I’m practically Beelzebub in Birkenstocks.

So, where does a celestial slacker like me turn for a shot at eternal bliss? Well, friends, I’ve got a secret weapon: the divine curve. You see, I’m banking on the probability that God, in all Her or His heavenly wisdom, grades applicants on, well, a curve. Not the kind you find on a baseball diamond, mind you, but the kind that takes pity on the rest of us mere mortals who haven’t quite reached Mother Mary levels of sainthood.

Here’s how my heavenly calculus works: take the entire human race, shuffle us up like a deck of sinners, and deal out our heavenly report cards. Now, picture me, nestled comfortably amongst the middle of the pack. Sure, there’s Saint Francis and Gandhi up there, shining like celestial spotlights, but hey, at least I’m not sharing a permanent celestial study hall with Attila the Hun or Vlad the Impaler, right? Compared to those guys, I’m practically Mother Teresa or Father Damien.