My Deity, My Mentor
As I embark on my journey of writing on Medium, I feel compelled to reflect on the profound influence that has shaped me into who I am today. It is essential for me to express why I sing, write, run a company and pursue everything that defines me.
At the core of my being lies a guiding force — one power, one radiant source : my Lord Ayyappan. While I could fill pages with eloquent stories about him, for now I just want to focus on the essence of his impact on my life.
In moments when human support faltered, it was he who sent divine guidance my way, steering me through tangled crossroads and dark tunnels. I vividly recall singing in a bustling open-air venue, my vision limited to the few faces in the front rows. With every song, applause erupted, and I was rewarded with 5 Rs., a significant sum for a child in the 90s.
The thrill of performing and the anticipation of witnessing the magnificent Aarti lamp during the Deeparadhana kept my spirit alive throughout the concert. I would eagerly await to join the chants of “Swamiye eiii Sharanam Ayyappa,” feeling the fervour rise higher with each call to Lord Ayyappa — celebrating his legacy and grace with unwavering devotion.
In those moments, we were all united. All of us, standing with palms folded, looking ahead into the space which reverberated with lights, bell sounds, chants and something inexplicable — the power of oneness. There was nothing else in our hearts but true love and compassion — not just for Ayyappa but for everything in this universe.
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At just four years old, I sang with an eagerness that overshadowed all earthy parallels- my hunger was forgotten even when kids of my age ate snacks in front of me or played games, I had zero stage fear performing in front of a huge crowd of over 600 people, and no other thoughts came in but, singing all the songs I wanted to perform with full perfection for my Ayyappa.
The temporary temple area in the pandal where they kept this huge framed photo of Ayyappa with flowers, fruits, sandalwood paste and camphor lit lamps, the 18 Golden paper covered steps that made it look similar to the holy shrine in Sabarimala, all of this- had an undeniable quality that drew me in, to focus only on his abundantly glowing and mesmerizing face, allowing me to lose myself completely and go into a zone, while battling physically through the crowd to maintain my connection with him. I realized then, how music and chants have a unique ability to elevate your spirit beyond earthly concerns or connections.
As the years passed, I found myself questioning everything — doubting, rebelling, and navigating through life’s tough and never-ending quests. Yet, no matter where my journey led me, I would instinctively bow before Ayyappa; that single gesture and feeling were irreplaceable. His presence was a constant reassurance.
Lord Ayyappa, you are my muse and mentor. I learned music for you — to connect with you and pour my heart into composing songs for you. Your life and path to divinity are unparalleled. You saw everyone as ONE, and that is the idea I have followed every day of my life.
My existence is intertwined with music; it grounds me and fills me with compassion for all beings. You are my hero — the greatest among all others, outshining even Thor, Iron Man, and Superman.
Whatever I sing will always carry your divine essence within it, and my written work will reflect your grace and love. My only wish is to see the Makaravilakku shining brightly and steadily on January 14th atop the hill when I come to visit you at your shrine, and to witness you in your abode as I sing my favorite songs to you!
Swamiye Sharanam Ayyappa!
