Knowing the Sun is There
Fear masquerades as so many things.
Fear masquerades as so many things. The fear of never being happy invokes feelings of depression and hopelessness — enough to render anyone inactionable. Cynicism is fear disguised as wisdom — if you’ve already decided nothing will work out, you can’t be caught off guard when it doesn’t. Fear of getting hurt motivates an attitude of detachment and distance. Fear of rejection keeps us from letting others fully know us. And the fear that nothing good can stay entices us to never let our guard down to enjoy what’s in front of us for fear that whatever joy we find will eventually be taken away.
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I believe that we are at our best when we feel safe. But it is not safety or guarantees or even faith that makes us effective. It’s the decision to keep moving forward. To keep showing up despite exhaustion and disappointment. To keep building after failure. We move forward not because we are certain of the outcome, but because that is who we are — or simply because we are. And sometimes that’s all we can do — assess the damage, gather the pieces that remain, and move onto the next thing.
“I exist.’ In thousands of agonies — I exist. I’m tormented on the rack — but I exist! Though I sit alone in a pillar — I exist! I see the sun, and if I don’t see the sun, I know it’s there. And there’s a whole life in that, in knowing that the sun is there.” — Fyodor Dostoevsky, The Brothers Karamazov
This may sound bleak, but hear me out — it only seems that way because we are afraid that we will never be happy again, that nothing will ever work out, or some other variant of the above.
‘Knowing the sun is there’ isn’t believing things will get better as much as recognizing reality extends beyond our immediate feelings, fears, and experiences.
I like to say that hope is the antidote to the quantifier-free nature of life, but perhaps the real antagonist is neither uncertainty nor reckoning with not being fully in control.
“I will not be afraid. What can mere mortals do to me?” Psalm 118:6
Maybe it’s that simple. The truth is always simple.
Note: This essay was influenced in part by my experience with cognitive behavioral therapy. We are meant to honor our feelings but ask ourselves what thought is associated with each feeling. Often times, feelings of depression or anxiety or hopelessness are motivated by assumptions and conditionals that should be brought to light and challenged rather than accepted.
“Endure, o heart. At other times, you have endured worse” — Homer, The Odessy
