Laughing With An Ugly Cry
“No te quitaste una espina, te quitaste una nopalera “
Literal translation: You did not remove a prick from a cactus but removed a whole cactus from your path.
This blog post introduces a person who has recently indirectly and directly impacted me. My experiences with this person provided lessons to learn from. Thank you for checking out our content and reading it!
Section 1: Personal Note About My Sentiments To This Person
An ode to the person that was a physical barrier to my life, the cactus, I tried to save your needle and got pricked. Someone tripped me, I fell into you and then bled all over. The day that we ended, I did not simply remove a prick from that cactus but the whole cactus itself. You helped me unlock the darkest trenches of unresolved childhood wounds that I never would have thought to look into until I met you. Being with you opened up complicated feelings I had not processed and put together until we ended things. I had never experienced such intense emotional rollercoasters like I did with you. For a split second, I believed the overall euphoric high I had around you during all the good times was average. However, the chaotic and twisted whirlwind I was in affected me gravely. That whirlwind created ginormous wounds that quickly spread across my entire body until it invisibly pierced my soul to what seemed like no return. Even if there were moments that I grew to have animosity towards you, I came back to my senses and realized that you were one of the best lessons to come into my life. To my dismay, you were my overdue karma.
Section 2: How We Met and we got together, Including the Troupe
Before Dearil and I matched when I saw his picture, I did not think he was the type of guy I would date. However, I told myself that his crystal clear blue eyes, politician smile, and seemingly passionate stance in his photo were enough for me. In addition to thinking that he was cute, I also enjoyed the blurb on his bio; marketing himself as a stellar company for anything, even a funeral. We matched. A personal guilty pleasure of mine is that I am a fan of dark humor, mainly when it is rooted in fiction instead of reality. I would like to think that it comes from me being a part of the Gen Z generation that tends to use suicidal meme jokes as our unofficially certified unhealthy coping mechanism to combat the complexities and harsh realities of today’s world. I wanted to start the conversation about him joining me for a funeral, but I did not want to risk jinxing my own life, so I decided to wait until he messaged me first.
We had a date on Sunday at his favorite sports bar, watching his #1 football team play. He had checked with me to ensure that I wanted to go to this, knowing that I did not follow sports — I knew what I was walking into. I opted into the escapade because I love new experiences. His dramatic reaction as I walked towards him was fascinating since I was pretty glammed up. I usually do not feel nervous about first dates, but I was more comfortable than in other instances because Dearil seemed confident about himself. I made that assessment by his willingness to describe what something sounds like with sound effects like the ones that you hear in superhero action movies. Back to the date, I recall standing next to him, and I could see from my peripheral vision that his face was getting too close. When I noticed that, I asked him what he was doing, and he feigned innocence by stating that he was looking for a table. I knew that was bullshit because the entrance behind me clearly did not have any of those.
He was the classic charmer, smooth and suave yet, really nerdy. He kindly explained how football worked to me since I did not know (and did not care). I love seeing a guy’s reaction to the things he is passionate about, as it’s rare for me to see them look like they are alive and elated rather than the typical stoic and bored expressions I receive from conversations that do not center them as the protagonist. One of the peculiar things that occurred during this time was how this guy was always saying the correct phrases at the right time, almost as if he had read so many cliche romance books. I would side-eye him because it seemed overly flattering. He raved about how I was so pretty and great, even though we had only talked for about a week.
I think he decided to throw in a psychology-type question where he posed a scenario that a train was going to run into some people on either train tracks, and I had to pick one train track that would continue its path; the caveat was that one side of the train track had one person while the other one had roughly about 4 to 5 people on it. I did not overthink this question, yet I did not like it at all. However, I entertained the question and made a selection after referring to my fictional knowledge from the Korean medical dramas I watched. It was interesting what happened after I provided my first response; he would try to change scenarios and circumstances to see if I still had the opinion that I held before. The behavior was entirely innocent because he was trying to engage in an intellectual conversation. Still, he seemed like the kind of guy that liked to challenge people’s opinions even when the scenario was fictitious. For context, he was a lawyer who reviewed a specific law sector on behalf of his clients. That information is particularly relevant as I later learned that some people adopt their career identity as a personality trait instead of having it as an aspect of their life. Major Red Flag #1.
Dearil liked me and asked if I had had dinner yet and if not, he would love to treat me to dinner. While waiting, I went to the bathroom, and he took a call. I could hear that he was talking to his father about the results of the football game. We ate, chatted, and had a good time. We left, and I offered to treat him to ice cream. Once we finished it, I eventually dropped him off at his place. One of the most exciting things I was trying to implement was not going to a man’s place after a first date. As I was dropping him off, he thanked me for giving him a ride and “innocently” asked me if I wanted to have coffee before I went home. I initially told Dearil I appreciated his offer but would like to decline. Dearil was very convincing and lowkey pressured me by asking me again if I was sure. Even though I knew I should not have gone because he could have been a murderer, I caved into his offer. Like a naive innocent lady, I violated my own boundaries.
We went into his place. He actually had beverages for me to have and did not poison them. He convinced me to show him the anime I liked, and we started watching a show. I was tired then, so I leaned my head onto his shoulder. For those of you who are also fellow fanatics of TikTok during that time, two songs were mashed up together, which were “Put Your Head On My Shoulder” by Paul Anka, specifically the intro of the song, and Doja Cat’s “Streets” which used only the beats of the music — even though I will embarrassingly admit this, I literally thought of this and was very flattered. As a hopeless romantic, I ate this gesture up like a pint of Chunky Monkey’s Ben & Jerry’s. Ultimately, the time was getting late, and I left. My feelings were all over the place because I was not murdered, which was fantastic. Shoutout to the guy for being a decent human being. I left excited and feeling happy because this guy and I shared a sweet and simple gesture that did not lead to sex. I did violate my boundaries of not going to this man’s place; I did, however, respect my wishes of not sleeping with him. It’s all about the small wins! He probably texted me when I got home, or he didn’t care — I honestly don’t remember that part.
Dearil and I kept seeing each other intensely right after that. We had so many dates back to back. We were doing couple type activities such as a “let’s cook a meal together” type date and an “I will cook a meal for you and let’s watch a movie” type date. Clearly, you get the gist — food was our love language. The day that I cooked for him, later that night, we played the “We Are Not Strangers” card game (this was before I had 4 editions of the expansion packs). When we were playing the card game, I seemed like a pessimist, while his outlook on the world was quite optimistic. He did not want to talk about his relative passing away — I never really knew how recent that was. Maybe I was wrong for thinking he should have shared more about this situation because I was not entitled to that since we had not cemented a bond like that. However, I desired more emotional closeness to this person. Looking back at that moment, I experienced that his emotions were not as open and vulnerable for the first time. Everyone has a different way of healing and grieving because that is not a linear process (which I learned later). The key part of the observations made from the beginning of our relationship was that I may have held inappropriate assumptions about him at the time. However, later in the relationship, I was shown that the impacts I experienced with this person were true and unhealthy.
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It could also be that he was processing his grief in his own way by internalizing it and bottling it up (it proved to be later). I will acknowledge that I do not have first-hand experience in handling and overcoming grief when it comes to losing loved ones. I can sympathize with those affected by the loss of a loved one since I have experienced knowing people who have been through that. Fortunately, I have had the privilege of not losing loved ones in a way that impacts me directly.
Before the game ended, we were instructed to write each other letters, exchange them, and not read them until we both were apart. I was anxious, so I was anticipating what he wrote and asked him if we could break the rules on this one. He agreed, and we read our letters. I wrote something very nice along the lines of “Thank you for sharing about your grandfather. Your vulnerability meant a lot to me. I cannot wait to continue getting to know you.” He liked my letter. His letter said, “I am afraid of getting to know you more because you are such a kind person and seem pretty cool. I hate that we were playing this game because our answers were completely different. Unfortunately, we may be incompatible and should not pursue this further.” Instead of being sad or accepting the mentality that it was his loss, I took it upon myself to confess my feelings for him since I liked him. I told him we should try since we would only know by giving it a chance. I gave him until the next time we saw each other to decide, or we could call it quits. He was pondering about it and looked sad at the thought of leaving. He did the stereotypical thing that happened in romance movies, with no words and lounged for a kiss. That was my answer.
A little later, it was my turn to pump the ultra-speed breaks of the whirlwind of this romance. While we were hanging out one time, he asked me to be exclusive with him after two weeks of getting to know each other. I was skeptical and responded with no, as I thought it sounded rushed. Eventually, time went by a bit, and we had a double date with a friend of his and their girlfriend, and I was the one who brought up being an official couple. To me now, my relationship with him was an exact reflection of sunny vs grumpy.
Section 3: Dynamics of The Relationship and What Happened?
During our time dating, we spent a lot of time together in the early stages. About 3, 4, or 5 times a week. I agree that it was an unhealthy amount of time and will justify that decision (probably made by me) and attribute it to us being in our honeymoon phase. One of the things that bothered me was that he had his ex-girlfriend’s Facebook posts still show up on his timeline, and we were officially together at this time. I had asked him not once but twice if he could remove that from his timeline. Maybe I was not entitled to this decision, but this was the least he could do since he did not want to say he was in a relationship with me. To that answer, I asked him if he could at least put that he was in a relationship in general…I thought I was being gracious to him (which meant that I was disregarding my need to feel acknowledged and not like a secret), and he still chose not to because he felt “like our relationship won’t really last.” At the time, I was like, WTF does that mean, but I still enabled this behavior. I did not bother telling him by the third time because I did not want to annoy him. He removed those pictures from Facebook and still did not put his relationship status on Facebook because he is a “private guy.” Unfortunately, I later found out that when a guy uses those phrases, it tends to be because they are either trying to appear single to somebody else or have another side person (i.e., sketch behavior). The second instance occurred a few months in when I made him dinner one night, we were just casually chatting about random things, and it was not until I sat down after I served him food (I know wifey duties for a man that was not my husband — YIKES). He proceeded to just drop the bomb on me that he just “didn’t feel like we were compatible,” and I was viciously shocked to my core because this was his third time telling me this. He had the audacity to continue eating MY food after telling me he did not see us as a good match.
To expand on how bold this guy was, as we continued watching a movie, he became affectionate by cuddling me as if he did not say what he just said. I pretended to be okay when I was not. Inside, I was sad and disappointed at his continuously confusing behavior where his actions did not align with his words. Around the movie’s end, I showed my toxic Latina traits of passive aggressiveness and rolled off the couch away from him. He would move closer, and I would move away. He asked me if I was okay. It was probably around 1 AM in the morning. I told him I was upset about what he had said earlier, and I wanted to discuss why he said it and what it meant. At this point, I moved to the couch, and he remained on the floor, sitting by himself, silent. He ignored me as I confronted him about his words earlier and was trying to get information. No answer. He ignored me for a few minutes, which felt like hours. As someone with an anxious attachment style, this deeply wounded me since I wanted to resolve the conflict and move forward.
He was different to me, more of an avoidant attachment style that retreated inwards when a conflict arose and needed time to work through things. Although he probably had this attachment style, ignoring me completely as if I was not there is called stonewalling, which is the refusal to communicate with someone (banner health website). One could think, oh no, he is most likely doing that because it’s so late and he has to go to work tomorrow, but that was not the case. After this, he just got up and tried to leave without saying anything. I stopped him and pleaded to hear an answer. That was really painful for me. Ultimately, he ended up telling me that he just wasn’t sure where our relationship was going. He asked what was next for our relationship, and we were about 2, almost 3, months into the relationship. I told him we just met not too long ago and needed more time to get to know each other. He just did not see it. I let him go since it was late. But I told him we had to talk about it later because we probably should break up if we weren’t the right match.
Finally, one of the other aspects that really shaped our dynamic was on St. Patrick’s Day; I told him that we needed to talk about our relationship and how we were not compatible. We would get to the root of it that night. He shared with me that he would describe himself as a man-child. For those of you that may not know what a man-child is, it is essentially a grown man that resembles a literal child who is co-dependent on others in unhealthy ways — i.e., emotionally stunted, emotionally immature, and not a person who embodies resemblance to an adult. Major Red Flag # 2. If any of you have seen the movie Peter Pan, he was the embodiment of Peter Pan, the kid who never grows up. Which, at that time, seemed cute to me because I could rescue him like a mother would, but, oh boy, was I in for a surprise. He admitted to me that he was “emotionally unavailable for the past 10–12 years,” which meant that he experienced being emotionally stunted since his early teenage years. Major Red Flag #3.
He shared with me his deep-seated fears of rejection and disappointing others. I think at the time when I was listening to this, I thought that his fears were completely rational since most of us can have fears like these. My fears of abandonment and not feeling worthy enough were the things that paralleled his. However, his were at a level that seemed alarming to me because it looked like it was weighing on him quite negatively. How could we, humans, not have those fears if we face negative reactions from facing rejection and disappointing others? At the time I occasionally struggled with the same things he did but, accepted the reality that rejection and disappointment were bound to happen. My attitude was different in the way that I accepted reality and decided to find ways to work through it and continue to overcome those obstacles. When he talked about it, it was like he was sentenced to the death penalty; I was worried for him. These thoughts and their severity could mean that he was struggling with things like anxiety and depression (since I am not a licensed medical professional, I cannot say that it was). The theme of his emotional unavailability and these deep-seated thought patterns were not the leading cause for concern; it was the fact that he was aware of his circumstances and was not making an effort to seek help. Major Red Flag #4.
As his partner, I knew that this was not something I could help with as this was out of my scope of expertise. However, I encouraged him to seek therapy because this seemed very unhealthy. I am aware, as someone who was hesitant and swore off mental health services as a teen, that it can be challenging to get onto the path of seeking out services that are not things that enhance escapism and serve as a distraction but, in fact, make you sit down with yourself and confront the issues and complexities you face at hand. But we are adults now, or we are supposed to be. There are a lot of things that we need to work on that are not professional and social. It’s personal. Clearly, he suffered from anxiety, or so he shared, and some of the signs to me exhibited depression and feelings of low self-worth, but I am not a professional. Those were the things that I noticed along the way in which he led his life. One thing that is a fact, he was definitely one of the unhealthiest partners I had and this does not exclude me as I was also unhealthy too. At that moment, I was weak and really felt for him, so I gave him a second chance, and we did not break up.
Section 4: Reflection Piece — Forgiveness, Grace, Acceptance, Gratitude, and Best Wishes
I am awe-stricken at what I have been through with you, which was just the beginning. I remember there was a reason I ended up with you besides being quick to like you. I would think about why I would be so quick to overlook these red flags, such as having my boundaries violated, not just by you, but by me, because I was desperate to have a real boyfriend as I had never actually experienced a full-fledged relationship. At the time, my goal was just to be wanted by someone and taken care of, no matter who it was. I was so focused on the milestones we were going to achieve rather than who I would achieve them with. I always thought about how I was lied to throughout our relationship, but in the beginning, you gave me easter eggs of truth. I chose to ignore them. I thought about how naive and dumb I was at the time to fall for your antics, and I tell myself now that I could not see them coming because I thought I was pretty authentic to you, but it turns out I was inauthentic too. I lied to you just as much as I lied to myself that this relationship was good for me. I lied to myself that you were a good partner when you weren’t. But I had to forgive myself because I was simply navigating the world from a lens of survival and lack of awareness. I will give grace to myself for accepting such a relationship because those dates were a fun escapism that I was not even aware I needed. I felt good, and I was happy during those good times. I cannot express gratitude because I have more to share with you. However, I can give you this — my acceptance of the reality of the situation is something that I see with clear eyes. I was the clown who auditioned for your show that you slowly made a fool of.
Much healing to you,
Elexus.
