first freewriting
My dearest friend Dawn suggested this freewriting as a following step in sitting with my void. Before unraveling my stories, warming up my writing muscles, or degassing my thoughts from my headspace will be fucking fun. Why not? New thing of the day!
What is my life? I am confused and still missing M. His breaths, contacts of our eyes, tongues, loves, and the warmth of our skins.
I am very numb to do everything… finding the balance btw my mind, body, and soul. I decided not to analyse or program to make progress, but to appreciate being in the “process” of taking all nutrients into my body, soul, and… mind. Like falling leaves, my memories, mind, and attachments are colored with unique patterns and drop. It’s the season of grief, the season of humbleness, and the season of loneliness.
I’ve been practicing active solitude and active emptying and filling. As my metabolism slows, my all cells are slowing down their breathing; meanwhile, I become round: the shape of my heart, brain, and body.
The guilt of being “lazy” and other judgments sometimes tingles me. “What are you doing? Where are we going?” All of a sudden, there is just... blank. Then the absolute motionless calmless entraps me (inducing me to) walk deeper into the gate of my cave. No one has invited me, but I knew it was there for me ever since the silence was born in my system.
Get NaJin’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
It’s not even opened at all, being sealed as it was manufactured. Deeper in myself, it was deepening its acoustics. Every step I made makes a deeper ripple impact. The ripples are expanding, merging, interfering, and, sitting down to their silence, and the dark becomes clearer. I love the taste of dark clarity in the dark. Also, an old version of my cowardly mumbles and chases into my new being, who is assertively and quietly sitting into the deeper me. “Let’s go out.” “Let's do something else.” “Let’s fill others’ voids. Only distraction. Because that was my old-fashioned defense mechanism to save me from the utter darkness of my true being. I had to erase it to demonize and quarantine our connection.
The unknowns were the biggest fear; the autopilot thoughts and threats are still trenching my current being.
I don’t know what I wanna do, but I know, at least, what I don't wanna do: Living a life on autopilot.
I’d rather turn off the engine and let the boat float to “surf” the ripples than force myself to just go nowhere,“renhwon”. I’d rather sit with my own.
This freewriting is fucking fun. Almost like the same level of learning feline language hehehe. awwwwwwwww nwwwwwwwwww…. meowong.
done!
5:33 PM PST 10/14/26
NJ
