Navratri, the new Burn
Free Writing No.2 Things don’t deserve to my nervous system
“Maybe the final lesson of Navratri is learning what no longer deserves your nervous system” — IG — @CBMediates
Started the morning with fears, grief, and lingering feelings (미련). I could not grab either, let go of the pain, even though that rehurts me.
My fear was losing the connection we had. It might be the different intensity of our bond. This confusion suffocated me: “What if I was nothing but ‘fun/novel stuff’ to him?”, “Am I okay to be replaceable, forgotten, faded from his memories?", “what if I was ‘nothing’ from the first ground?”. Of course, I defended: “That all doesn't matter because my experiences, my feelings, and my memories are still vividly alive in here; even the unprocessed thorns are hurting deeply, but technically those pains are not caused by my own thoughts, as I let my judgments go from all under my practice of [De-Labeling]. Then they are from his judgments, his projection, his confinement, and his confusion and love. Unfortunately or blissfully, I do not have control over the causes of “my pain”. No, I’d say “his pain.” I was willing to amalgamate our pain and love into this connection, not knowing how high the cost was- my identity and integrity.
Get NaJin’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
Still, I have an unknown depth of compassion towards our innerchildren. I can still hear the soundless scream: the urgent gesture from his soul. At least, I did talk to his soul, the inner boy who has never been out of the golden cage. I wasn’t sure where to start, but soon enough I found that all we needed was the connection. Nothing was needed — a talk, laughter, touches, kisses, and even hugs. We just needed to breathe in the same space. That’s it. It was a very miraculous moment for me.
I’ve been striving to articulate my rationale and emotions to deliver the message immediately. But [the contents] don’t even matter when you fail to choose [how] to deliver, as my love taught me. I could not digest when I learned the gravity of “how” v.s. “contents”. The key was to understand somatic communication. Then, everything made sense. The body’s language is not processed in the brain. It is processed through our entire body. So I didn’t need to “think” to talk, but I did prepare my body to become a speaker and receptor of our souls. After sitting with the first-ever tantric connection, my brain took over the vibe by answering his questions. It imprinted in my soul as a very magical and beautiful moment.
Still, I can’t unpack the ones that don’t serve my nervous system. to be honest, I am not ready to let go of the triggers. Maybe it might not be the time for clean closure. They still want to fuel my sublimation. Then, I won’t rush to dump them into the fire tonight.
Instead, I am throwing my obsession of linear healing. Yes, traumatic fear oscillated back this week. “it’s okay, NaJin, it’s okay…” Also, I made a little step of transmutation/sublimation towards M. “Good job, I love you and your pain, Sarang.”
11:06 PM PST
NaJin
