The best thing my teen said about me
She didn’t tell me I overheard it
When my daughter was 13, she said to her friends, “My mom is strict, but not so strict.”
How did this topic come up?
This came about when the popular K-pop boy band BTS announced their first world tour stop in our city. She and her friends were ecstatic that the 7 members would be in such close vicinity.
After some time excitedly discussing and making plans, most of the girls in the group realized it was all just wishful thinking.
Their parents either wouldn’t let them go or were too afraid to ask. They already knew their parents’ typical responses.
“Why are you obsessing over a boyband and not doing schoolwork?”
“It’s a waste of money.”
“It’s on a school night.”
“It ends too late.”
“It’s in a dangerous city.”
I could sense the embarrassment and frustration some of the girls felt for not being able to partake in such a normal activity for American teens.
Get Mai Tran’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
After comparing notes about how strict each of their parents was my daughter said, “My mom is strict, but not so strict.” Her tone, was meh in an, “It is what it is, I don’t mind it too much” kind of way.
Smiling to myself I realized I loved what she said. Yeah, that’s me, not so strict.
Why it’s such a huge deal for me
She doesn’t know it, but there’s so much more meaning than just words she said. Mom is protective but not overly so. I can ask for permission and the answer could be yes or it could be no. Mom wants me to have many good experiences within boundaries.
It’s easy to quickly disapprove of everything outside your comfort zone. It’s much harder to get over yourself and be rational and realistic about the dangers your teen might encounter.
Yes, everything in the world outside of your home is scary but your teenager will be living in that world very soon and you won’t be able to protect her from everything. Being not-so-strict doesn’t mean being permissive and uninvolved.
It’s that perfect middle ground where I’m up for discussion regarding activities I might not feel comfortable with initially. The answer might be no now but we can revisit at a later time. I’ve worked hard to keep these lines of communication and trust open.
I want my daughter to feel comfortable asking for anything she wants. I don’t want her to be afraid to ask a simple question because she’ll be shamed for her likes. This lets my daughter know that I’m trying too and it helps her understand my point of view.
It would be so much easier if our teens weren’t interested in going to concerts at all, they can just stay home safe and sound where we can see them. But in reality, it’s normal for teens to love music and want to see their favorite artists in person, while connecting with other fans.
Did she have friends to go with?
In the end, she ended up going with two other friends who also had not-so-strict parents. I drove the girls to the arena and told them where to meet me after the concert. Everything went well and they had a great time. They even made friends with fellow fans at the venue. She’s happy she went and I’m happy for her that she got to have this experience.
Best of all she realized I wasn’t as restrictive as many other Asian parents and I do feel she got a sense of gratitude for her mother after seeing how most of her friends couldn’t go.
