Put a Baby in Me: Part 8
Disappointed, but not surprised. This is a phrase that I have become all too familiar with in my life. Imagine my disappointment, but not my surprise, when my period showed up in full force three days early. As I had predicted, my first IUI did not work. I wasn’t expecting to get pregnant on my first try; many couples that are willingly trying for a baby have trouble conceiving on their first attempt. I was just hoping that I would have better luck, hoping that I would be one of the rare ones that gets it right the first time.
Getting things right the first time around is not something that I have a good track record with. For example, I had to take my behind the wheel driving test three, yes, three times before I passed. I recently told the stories of my failed attempts to my best friend as we were driving home a couple of weeks ago. We were laughing so hard at my teenage ineptness behind the wheel that we were both crying from laughing so hard. I had countless interviews for teaching positions over the course of 2–3 years before landing a full-time position. Each time I thought I had it in the bag, I was dead wrong. If I’m trying a new recipe, it usually takes a couple of tries (or more) before I get what I’m cooking to taste how I want it to taste. I mean, the list just goes on and on.
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So, last week, as I caught a glimpse of myself getting ready in the mirror, I noticed that my bare belly looked bloated. I also had my usual PMS symptoms: crying over nothing, feeling super irritated with everything, craving sugary and fried treats, feeling more than my regular tired, and the oh-so-attractive couple of days of constipation, followed by what my other bff and I have deemed “period poos”, aka diarrhea. Doesn’t being a woman sound fun? I wanted to believe that this wasn’t PMS, but in my gut, I knew that I wasn’t pregnant.
I just wanted it, this colossal moment, to go smoothly the first time around. It’s funny that for most of my adult life, I’ve been trying to avoid getting pregnant. It seems like now that I’m ready, and I want it, it’s going to be a longer process. I try to keep reminding myself that this has been years in the making. This final decision to just go for it, the mental, physical, and emotional changes I’ve gone through in the past year that have led me here, are hopefully going to be worth it. Actually getting pregnant is another long bridge that I need to walk across. I’m also trying to remind myself of the motto I’ve been living by: What is for me will always be for me. It’s a tough pill to swallow most days.
Many of us are brought up to believe that we can do and be anything that we want. That the universe, time, fate, whatever will always be on our side if we work hard enough, and do the right things. But, it’s difficult to keep that mentality going. Maybe some things just aren’t meant to be. Maybe, no matter how hard you try, or how much you want something, it’s just not meant for you. I know this is just a hiccup, that I have five more attempts I’m giving myself, that I will go for round two when I’m ovulating again. I just need to keep myself going, to remember how far I’ve come, how hard I’ve worked, and how I’m truly doing something that I want.
I’m giving myself some space to really feel the disappointment and glumness of this moment. I’m allowing myself to wallow in some sad girl music, repeating the same songs over and over again. I’m giving myself the time to cry over what feels like a failure, even though I know it’s not. In a few days, I will pick myself up again, shrug my shoulders, and keep going in the direction I want, with one tiny death creating another crack in my heart.
