Mom Taught Me #4
No receipt required.
It’s interesting how other caregivers talking to you can trigger a memory or lesson that had been forgotten. Today was one of those “You know that’s true,” “That’s what Mom Taught Me” moments. Props to a fellow brother in caregiving for caring for his mother and feeling the weight of the role.
I look back at seven years of caregiving and the times between illnesses and procedures when Mom would be unconscious. Not sleeping, unconscious. I was about halfway into the caregiving role when moments started piling up. Life was doing rapid-fire targeting of Mom and, by extension, myself. She was very tired and getting worse, and one night I was holding her hand while she was drifting in and out of sleep. I didn’t want to keep her awake, so I asked her if she would mind if I kept talking. I wasn’t doing this for any other reason than that I was scared and nervous about her condition. She sleepily said, “Good,” to me and gave me a weak smile. She fell asleep, but I kept talking.
Get Xander Carey’s stories in your inbox
Join Medium for free to get updates from this writer.
My talking included that I loved her, how I was worried, my confidence in her, my acknowledgment of her ability to recover, and my faith in her. Just to lighten things up, I would throw in something that seemed funny to me at the time like, “You have to get better, Mom. I can’t make sausage gravy like you can, and I know the fates would never deny me your sausage gravy. That would just be wrong.” Occasionally, she would stir, open her eyes, see me, and smile, seeming to mimic something I had talked about when she slept.
Based on those moments, I grew confident that even when Mom was asleep or unconscious, she could hear me talking to her despite there being no physical or verbal affirmation that she could. I was careful to have conversations with staff, specifically doctors, out of her earshot. I was the buffer between her and bad news. In the times that seemed the most desperate, I would sit next to Mom, hold her hand, and talk to her. In the years since her passing, I still talk to my mother as if we are having a conversation. However, I’ve noticed when situations get bad, my first thought is to talk to Mom even now.
I’ve come to realize that I turn to my mother as any child would. She is still the safest harbor I have when the storm rages the worst.
Mom Taught Me #4
Love doesn’t require proof of receipt before it’s worth sending.
Send it anyway. Hold that hand. Have that talk.
