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A Month of Silence Showed Me What Self-Improvement Couldn’t
When self-improvement becomes avoidance
My introverted tendencies and my psychology studies have made me attentive to my own behaviour, feelings, and patterns. Recently, during a one-month silent retreat, I realised how, for the longest time, I’d been using this ability against myself without meaning to.
My intentions were good. I wanted to become a healthier, kinder, more accomplished person. Whenever I noticed something in myself that seemed to hold me back, I tried to figure out how to change it.
Yet, by constantly thinking about how to fix whatever I observed, I left little room for acceptance, love, and flexibility. I wanted so badly to grow, but the way I treated myself made that harder.
There was growth, of course. Identifying patterns and looking for solutions had helped me. I don’t want to dismiss my past efforts. Past Me did as well as she could, and in many ways, she did a good job. Yet I made it harder than it needed to be, and some of my most problematic patterns of relating to myself and my loved ones hardly seemed to change.
During the retreat, the teachers encouraged us to stay with our experiences. To accept whatever was there. To look at it for as long as possible, take a break if needed, and then…
