Surprise! We’ve Had a Gay Agenda This Whole Time
A letter to the worried parents informing them that, yes, we are making your kids gay
Dear Parents,
It’s true what they tell you. We, The Gays, have bided our time and are now prepared to induct your children into our corporate-sponsored cult. Between denying straight couples wedding cakes and taking ironclad graphic design cases to the Supreme Court, we’ve been a little overworked this year. With so much left to do, we’re looking to expand.
Contrary to popular belief, our agenda goes beyond “saying” gay. Saying isn’t enough; we must be doing gay, and so should you. I must admit that I myself am only 50% gay at this point, and occasionally wake up in the middle of the night, struck by a shameful, lingering attraction to men; however, I have been assured that by the time my treatment is finished, I’ll be a whopping 100% gay. And if that isn’t the American dream, I don’t know what is!
Many have pointed out our rapidly growing ranks on both sides of the aisle. Notorious straight man, Bill Maher, has said, “The LGBT population of America seems to be roughly doubling every generation… If we follow this trajectory, we will all be gay in 2054.” What a world that would be, and we’re determined to bring it to fruition now!
20.8% of Gen Z and 10.5% of Millennials self-identify as one or more of the letters in the LGBTQIA continuum (we’re still working to lay claim to all the letters of the alphabet). With that trajectory, Gen Alpha will only be, like, 41% gay. Our numbers may be growing swiftly, but with your children’s help, we’ll soon be the majority.
This is where all the hubbub about literature comes in. This year, you may have seen a school district in your state order the removal of all books from libraries that feature a gay or trans character. It’s true, many of The Gays have been hard at work hiding these books in classrooms, some even going so far as to earn a master’s degree in Library Science to get them there. Let me tell you, the Kama Sutra is child’s play compared to the 8-and-under graphic novel on polyamorous family structures we’ve snuck onto shelves.
Sports! Straight America’s national pastimes have indeed been infiltrated by a team of highly skilled teen athletes. We initially thought nail polish and long hair would be enough to start gender-ambiguous teams, but quickly realized we would need to start providing the hormones ourselves. Luckily for us, I’ve removed a few penises in my day. Given the American preoccupation with circumcision, what’s a few extra inches?
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You may be wondering, what will happen to me when straight marriage is overturned by Chief Justice RuPaul? There’s no need to fret! As soon as your children are rehomed to responsible, law-abiding gays, you too will get the chance to give in to that urge you never followed in college. Straight was great at eighteen, but now it’s time to grow up (you know where to find me, Debra).
For all the straight talk of the Gay Agenda, talking heads and politicians have failed to present our demands clearly. Our agenda is as follows:
- By 2030, all Americans WILL be gay. You’re worried about your kids?? Tweens today are programmed to come out as bisexual at family gatherings. We’ve already got them, worry about yourself.
- Sex ed will be reinstituted in all public schools, with children asked to self-identify as ‘tops’ or ‘bottoms.’
- Brunch.
- Speaking of school, since Drag Queen Story Hour was such a success, all educators will teach in full drag. Appropriate name changes will be made. We ask that teachers consider options such as Martha Matics, Her Story, and Gia Graphy.
- Books that do not contain at LEAST one gay character will be phased out of all schools, libraries, and senior living facilities. This includes scripture. All parables will be removed from the Holy Bible immediately, apart from Jude 1:7.
- Straight Shame Month will be erected in June for those who still observe, monitored by our boys in blue (male cheerleaders).
- Gendered restrooms will be outlawed in all 50 states. If men can call a Gatorade bottle a restroom, then you can join us in the free-for-all Piss Palace. Now go make those gender fluids.
It is clear we have a long fight ahead of us, but at the rate we’re moving, you and your children will be joining us, The Gays, in no time.
