Member-only story
Maybe I Don’t Have Low Self Esteem. Maybe I’m Addicted to Being Underestimated.
There is a strange comfort in being the person nobody expects much from. If you fail, nobody is surprised. If you succeed, you get to surprise everyone.
I’ve spent a surprising amount of my life wanting people to underestimate me.
I didn’t know I wanted this.
I thought it was happening to me.
That distinction took a while.
For years, I had a particular fantasy.
Someone would look at me and decide I wasn’t capable enough.
Smart enough.
Educated enough.
Disciplined enough.
Maybe my German wasn’t good enough.
Maybe my background didn’t fit the room.
Maybe I didn’t look like the person they had imagined for the job, the opportunity, the life.
And somewhere inside me, a small voice would say:
You’ll see.
I liked that voice.
It kept me moving.
It also kept me angry.
I’m beginning to suspect that was part of the arrangement.
