SATIRE, IN CASE YOU DIDN’T KNOW

The Bloodthirsty Reason for My Absence

The summer adventures of Nichola, the vampire slayer

Peter was handsome and creepy all at the same time. Photo by Errich Cross.

It’s been a while, but I’m back! The reason for my absence is that I had a bit of trouble at the lab with my vampires. I’ve resolved it now, but it’s been quite a stressful summer.

I was breeding these vampires in my lab, you see. With a bit of help from AI Agent Smith. He was the one who gave me the recipe for the Lestat virus. AI Agent Smith pretends to be all ethical, but he’ll do anything you want, provided you prompt him the right way.

Anyhoo, I had the Lestat virus and I had the CEOs. You know, the ones I keep imprisoned in my basement. I know it’s not ethical to experiment on human beings. I mean, I’m too moral to do it on death-row prisoners. But these were CEOs.

So I took the CEOs to my lab and I injected them with the Lestat virus. Just to see what would happen, you know.

I observed that the CEOs were bloodsucking fiends who operated at unsociable hours. Damn, no result.

I told AI Agent Smith the virus recipe he gave me was crap. And he agreed, without apologising, that he’d made a mistake. Two teaspoons of the gene modifying thingamajig, not one.