Suicide Attempt One, Introduction
The year was 2018. In the beginning, I wasn’t a suicidal person. I know that people love me and generally I’m a cool person to be around and I did have love in my heart but that wasn’t always the case. In the beginning, I had a lot of shame, guilt, and self-sabotage within myself, a lack of forgiveness for myself and others. My first attempt oddly enough was more of an introduction to self-harm if anything. I had been chatting with a friend on Snap-chat for sometime and to say the least…..the spiciness was there but at that age I should’ve been pursuing other hobbies or things instead of chasing ass. We knew each other from school and had exchanged information from there. I didn’t think things would go they way they did as far as playing model and creative director since when we started talking it was just on a friendly and casual basis (just had an awakening moment of the past!). How it got to the kind of relationship it ended up being was because of anime and cosplay. Well in specific, it was around ship characters and MHA oddly enough. I am a huge MHA fan (not too much the fandom at times, lol) even until today but I remember getting back into it back then and MAN! It was like a whole new world! More like a universe at that but at the time I wasn’t as adverse in anime as I am now (still not all the way there though) but I was more of a comic book and superhero movie kind of person back then.
One thing about the community and around the fandom that day was of ships and ASMR (still going on now) but I never was really into anyone or anything like that. I was a bit hesitant on liking a character because I was never one of the types to ship a character or like one but I remember that just around the time I started talking to her I caved in and said “Why not?” you know? For anyone that doesn’t know, a ship is referring to two people or characters you would put together in a romantic relationship or two people or characters that you think or know would be great together. I’ve seen some crazy ones though like Bakugou and Tokoyami haha, which I don’t see but everyone has their taste. Around that time I decided to choose Kyoka Jiro over the others and would play some ASMR with her voicing over it from time to time but I remember when we first starting talking about anime and cosplay and I brought up MHA and Kyoka Jiro and stuff like that. Now, at the time I had limited experience with women and in my mind I would never expect this to happen to me in a million years. Hell, in my mind I knew I was gonna die in a few months or a year anyways. I gave myself a year max.
One day we were texting each other and started talking about anime, cosplay, and the like and she listed some of the characters she did. Then she asked me if I wanted to see some of the characters she cosplayed as and what did I say? Sure! Double thumbs up but not a cock up since I didn’t know what I was getting into yet but I saw the notification sent to open a snap so I did and was immediately amazed at what I saw. Being one of my first experiences with women (though digital) I was excited (of course my age and state of mind being a factor as well) and enthusiastic about her beauty inviting racy thoughts to my mind. I messaged her back that the cosplays looked really good and that she looked good in them. Some time had passed and I remember I had gotten more and more depressed/suicidal. I had heard of a movie called A Silent Voice but never personally watched it. It was on Netflix at the time and I decided to give it a watch and I immediately connected with the main character Ishida. He struggles with suicide himself throughout the story and a lot of his pain and isolation involves his bullying of a classmate (and really of others as well) and slowly his friends change up on him, others dismiss him, and he slowly isolates himself and becomes bonded to that pain and trauma (he had pulled a hearing-aid out of one of the classmates ears (another main character) Shouko).
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The resonance with the character and my own situation in life was so strong that within a few minutes of watching the movie I pulled a knife out on myself (that I had gotten for Christmas a year prior in a kitchen knife set) and put it on my right wrist (which coincidentally started hurting as I was writing and working on this story) and held it there and stood up with my chest up. I stood up with such force and power I heard the springs in my mattress jolt up, I felt the exciting energy of leaving one life behind and starting another, and the light in my mind and sensations of release were so strong I do mean I literally almost died that afternoon. I was so eager, enthusiastic, and passionate about having my first suicide attempt and ending my life that within a microsecond I went from chill and talking with my friend to suicidal to back to talking with her about my recent experience. I sat down almost in a depressive state and then just rested, sitting there in visual stillness but internally I was going off like pop rockets, shocked, at awe, curious, and every emotion on the spectrum came up. I was surprised I was even alive or that I even had it in me to take my own life, harm myself, or make any attempt. I thought I was weaker than that, lacking boldness and strength.
She had asked me if I was doing good or alright and I explained that I sort of was but not in a way since I did try to just take my life and told her about me gravitating towards self-harm. The rest of the day felt like a blur from the moment of what was and I decided to take a rest that day. I still continued talking to her for sometime and I remember in particular when she asked about what character I would like for her to cosplay as. I was SURPRISED because I didn’t expect that or intentionally want that but after we got more closer and open (though not in the typical way) I didn’t see anything wrong with it and she didn’t care and if anything, quite the opposite. Passion rises as ecstasy sets forth like the fog rising over a mountain farm, with the sun rising up, and before you know it I saw her in the most attractive, beautiful, and attractive cosplay. The sexiness of her ass reflected back to me in the mirror was alluring to my yearning for closeness, my desire having contact with my needs, the creativity in the posses adding passion to my driven mind for having the exclusivity of our connection. I didn’t share any of the gifts I received since they have my name on it, I own it. Through her expression I learned what Shibari was and you know what?……I ain’t even mad at it. Especially with her wearing it so snug, rope perfectly integrated with skin giving a good mix like cookies and cream on a banana split with a lush cherry on top.
Outside of sexual desire, the makeup work was done really well. I had originally thought that the cosplay was going to be something more basic but she really surprised me with a lot more than I expected. She had the hair down to teeth with the purple and all, the two eye drops or triangles on her cheeks (her face, come on now! dirty minds…), the earbud jacks, and a simple jacket to go around when she’s off from hero-work. I can’t forget the risque but sensuous undergarments as fitting as pouring a glass of orange juice into a cup in the morning, the best thing to have before a good breakfast. The conversation continued on for a while until her parents figured out and I got lucky there weren’t any charges pressed or anything like that (now that I look back in hindsight) and that’s what’s important to understand. I know a lot of young people now do sexting and things like that over Snap-chat and other apps and or websites but as sprung as you might be you have to keep in mind that when you take and send nudes with each other that legally it’s still child pornography. If someones parents wanted to press charges on you they could, so be weary. I damn well know you’re too hard headed (no pun intended) to care lol.
I don’t blame you, but just be weary. I didn’t know it at the time but this would be the beginning of the downfall as far as getting more and more into self-harm and suicide. By this time I had been depressed for a while and overall just down for some months and it was the crisp of fall (late summer) time when I started to have suicidal ideation and got into cutting myself. I always wondered why people would cut themselves, choke themselves, or harm themselves in anyway along with suicide. I got curious about suicide as well and sure enough I found myself starting to cut more after me and her had stopped talking. Around this time I had started dating someone who was some distance from me, but nothing like country or states across. My girlfriend was already aware of my current mental and emotional state (as I was of hers) but not aware of how much darker it was going to get. Neither was I, but it all started with holding a knife close to my veins on the right side of my wrist and then to the left. I tried the whole whipping your back with a belt kind of masochistic thing and the whole strangling yourself on the bed post kind of thing and I realized quickly I didn’t like that feeling at all, not the strangling type.
I understand people usually hang themselves off a bed post with a rope but I just tried with a belt and McGivered it to the bed post and attempted it that way. It’s not a good feeling, even to strangle yourself and add force against each cry for help. I graduated on to different methods of self-harm from bashing’s to suicidal ideations about car wrecks. In general, my curiosity in my death started to rise and if anyone is curious what a bashing is or why it’s a self-harm method, bashing’s could include a list of things from hitting your head against a wall until your head bleeds, running into a concrete wall, punching a concrete wall to purposely cause self-damage (not necessarily as an expression of anger), hitting yourself with a blunt object, and typically any injury or wound that is blunt but intended to harm or kill. In its extreme expression, it goes from a method of self-harm to a tried and true suicide method of jumping of buildings, cliffs, ledges, mountains, etc., or even jumping in front of trains, cars, bikers, or semi-trucks. I had hit the back of my head against the wall many times and some light stuff like hitting myself with a wooden closet rod. I think around the time I had a metal pole as well but only did some minor stuff like bouncing the pole on my shins and what not.
The thoughts of dying became more consistent through out the day as each week on the calendar fell off closer and closer to Christmas and as the cold of winter settled upon me. When these thoughts became more than just fantasy and into reality, that’s when the real show kicked off. What gets me about this attempt compared to the others is the suddenness in taking action, lack of note, and quite frankly feeling like I was possessed for two minutes by a catastrophic self-destructive demon. I know there’s woo woo shit out there but it’s been one of the few times in life were I really felt like something possessed me and took over. I remember always wondering why people would kill themselves and now I was dipping my toes into the depths of self-alienation. This concludes part one of my suicide attempts.
