Learning to Accept Yourself Rather Than Trying to Fix Yourself
What if personal growth wasn’t always about becoming someone better, but about developing a kinder understanding of who we already are?
We live in a world that seems to be constantly encouraging us to improve.
Be more productive.
Be more confident.
Develop better habits.
Manage your emotions.
Become the best version of yourself.
And while there’s nothing wrong with wanting to grow or make changes in our lives, I sometimes wonder what message we absorb when we’re continually being told that we need to be better.
Does it leave us feeling that who we are right now isn’t quite good enough?
The Endless Search for Improvement
I think many of us carry an idea of the person we should be.
Perhaps we should be more successful, more sociable, less sensitive or better at coping with everyday life.
We compare ourselves with others and notice the things we believe we’re lacking.
And when we don’t meet those expectations, we can become remarkably critical of ourselves.
We might tell ourselves that we’re lazy when we’re exhausted.
Weak when we’re struggling.
Too emotional when something has hurt us.
Or difficult when we express a need that someone else doesn’t understand.
Over time, those judgements can begin to feel like facts.
But I wonder how often we stop to question where they came from.
Who Decided Who We Should Be?
Carl Rogers, the founder of person-centred therapy, explored how we develop what he called conditions of worth.
These are the expectations we can internalise about what makes us acceptable, valued or worthy of love.
For example, perhaps we grew up feeling that we were praised when we achieved something, behaved in a particular way or put other people’s needs before our own.
We may gradually learn that certain parts of ourselves are welcome, while others are better hidden.
And because belonging and acceptance are so important to us, we adapt.
Sometimes those adaptations are useful.
But sometimes they leave us feeling disconnected from our own experiences.
We might become so focused on being the person we think we should be that we lose sight of who we actually are.
Acceptance Doesn’t Mean Giving Up
I think self-acceptance is sometimes misunderstood.
People worry that if they accept themselves, they’ll stop growing or lose the motivation to make changes.
But I see it differently.
Accepting ourselves doesn’t mean believing that everything we do is helpful or that we never need to take responsibility for our actions.
It means being able to acknowledge our experiences without immediately judging ourselves for having them.
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We can recognise that something isn’t working for us without deciding that we’re a failure.
We can acknowledge a mistake without turning it into a judgement about our entire character.
And we can want to change something while still treating ourselves with compassion.
In fact, I wonder whether genuine change sometimes becomes easier when we’re no longer fighting against ourselves.
Making Sense of Our Differences
This feels particularly relevant when we think about neurodivergence.
People with ADHD or other neurodevelopmental differences may spend years being told, directly or indirectly, that they should be able to function in the same way as everyone else.
They might hear that they’re disorganised, distracted, too sensitive or not trying hard enough.
Over time, those messages can shape how they see themselves.
Rather than understanding their differences, they may begin to experience them as personal failings.
And even when someone eventually gains a greater understanding of how their mind works, those earlier beliefs don’t necessarily disappear overnight.
There can be a process of looking back at past experiences with a different perspective.
Of recognising how much effort went into meeting expectations that may never have suited them.
And perhaps of beginning to approach themselves with greater understanding.
For me, that illustrates something important about self-acceptance.
It’s not about denying the difficulties we experience.
It’s about understanding ourselves more fully, rather than judging ourselves against a single idea of how we should be.
Being Kinder to Ourselves
I don’t think we can simply decide to accept ourselves one morning and expect years of self-criticism to disappear.
Often, it’s a gradual process.
We might begin by noticing the language we use when talking about ourselves.
Would we speak to someone we care about in the same way?
We might become curious about the expectations we place upon ourselves.
Are they genuinely ours, or have we inherited them from other people?
And perhaps we can begin to recognise that having difficulties doesn’t make us inadequate.
It makes us human.
Becoming More Ourselves
One of the things I appreciate about person-centred counselling is that it doesn’t begin with the assumption that someone needs to become a different person.
Instead, it offers a relationship in which someone can explore their experiences, feelings and beliefs with empathy and without judgement.
That process can create opportunities for greater self-understanding and acceptance.
Not because the counsellor has the answers.
But because the individual is given the space to discover what feels meaningful and authentic to them.
Perhaps personal growth isn’t always about becoming more.
Sometimes it might be about letting go of the idea that we’re not enough.
And giving ourselves permission to be who we are, while remaining open to who we might become.
I’m Alan, a person-centred counsellor based in Retford, Nottinghamshire. At “Alder & Ash Counselling” (https://www.alderandashcounselling.co.uk), I offer a warm, accepting space for people exploring self-esteem, identity, neurodivergence, relationships and life’s challenges, both in person and online.
